The Everyday Awesome Project
The Everyday Awesome Podcast is your mega dose of multivitamins for building your mental muscles, physical body and an empowered life. Your hosts Polly and Sam are on your dream team; lifelong coaches in business, health & fitness and human potential. They are on fire to ignite change in the lives they touch.
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The Everyday Awesome Project
60: Shatter the Chains of Miscommunication- Get Clear & Complete
How can we break free from the self-imposed chains of our communication barriers? This week Coach Polly shares the breakthroughs she was having from participating in Landmark Education's Communication Course: Access to Power. Join her with Coach Sam to discover how the shedding of mental and emotional constraints can revitalized our relationships, making our connections deeper and allowing us to feel more complete. Together we explore how powerful it can be to authentically speak and listen for others in conversations; not just express with brutal honestly, but how to stay grounded in what is real and true rather than getting swept away by old triggers from limiting past stories. What if you could listen to the people in your life from "nothing"?
Have you ever driven with a dirty or foggy windshield? Like that distorted way of seeing the road, our past experiences (and stories we get stuck in our heads) often cloud our ability to connect genuinely with those around us. In a world where survival instincts often get in the way of clear communication, we discuss strategies to approach interactions with openness and curiosity instead of past hurt or filters. What would your communications be like if you could let go of what's in the way of connection, oneness?
We address the paradox of communication being essential for survival yet hindered by the very instincts meant to protect us. We invite you to clear those mental fogs and connect to your own truth so you can clearly express it with others.
Finally, we confront the discomfort of incomplete relationships and explore the importance of completing. Coaches Polly and Sam guide us through completing communication cycles—whether it's with loved ones or in professional settings—to dissolve unresolved conflict, emotional pain and regrets. Learn actionable steps to rekindle lost connections, release negative energy, and foster a future filled with positive and authentic communications.
To learn about Landmark's Communication Courses: https://landmarkcommunicationcourses.com/
Follow Coach Polly @getbusythriving and Coach Sam @thesamanthapruitt
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hey, superstars welcome back polly here and sam. What's up?
Polly Mertens:beautiful humans, hey you guys, I'm enjoying the topic that we're going to be sharing today communication, right communication, clearing and completing cool words why we're going to dive in today.
Samantha Pruitt:Completing communication. This sounds horrible, Reigning. Maybe this is going to be a little bit of a wake up episode for people. I mean not that they all aren't, but you know what I'm saying.
Polly Mertens:I mean our role, I think, in Everyday Awesome is like poking and prodding you right, like helping you, like poke around in the places where you're like oh, oh, oh, you know, like having those ahas, having those. I don't really want to think about that or deal with that, but like I probably should, and not just leaving you in a oh you, you should, because we shouldn't, should own ourselves, but like wanting to do something right, like what I got. So why we're talking about this? Because we love episodes that have to do something right, like what I got. So why we're talking about this? Because we love episodes that have to do with things that are going on in our life is I just completed a course, beautiful work I highly recommend.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, it's called landmark forum work, which is a landmark. Education is a global training organization, personal development, and I just completed something called communication, access to power. Oh, yeah, and and yeah, I'm going to share some of the things from that we're not going to like not, this isn't a review of that, but because that's topical for us, you know, and the things that I was doing out of my practices and communication. You and I were like we should be sharing this you know so absolutely.
Samantha Pruitt:I don't know any person that doesn't. Oh my God. You can't get through a minute of your day without communication and connection being imperative to your survival, and the power of that or the disempowerment of that. If it's dysfunctional, the impacts are tremendous, dysfunctional.
Polly Mertens:The impacts are tremendous, you know, and I just want to share. So we're going to share. You know what communication is or is not kind of thing. But I just want to give a personal story, and this is has to do with why I took this course and something I realized out of doing it is. So why I want to share about this is just recently I completed that course and what I was present to as I was going into it is like my world just felt like it was getting smaller and quieter, like I like as I'm.
Polly Mertens:You know, I signed up for a course called communication. Then you start to like be aware of communication in your life, like, oh, you know, you just start to like think about communication, like hearing and listening and stuff. And it was like you know, I'm just not as in touch with my friends as much as I used to be and I want to be or just people in general. It just felt like the world was shrinking in and I was like that's interesting. That's interesting. I wonder why that is.
Polly Mertens:And what I got out of the communication course was obviously lots of practicing and communication.
Polly Mertens:So I was in touch with people and I started noticing like this momentum, and it was like just this straight jacket I had put on myself or these, like you know, invisible, almost anchors of you know making up stories, oh they're too busy, or oh, busy lives doing things, whatever and I was like wait a minute, I want to be in these people's lives, I want to be communicating with them. It's up to me. And then I got this momentum going, so now I feel like I have this new muscle of being in powerful communication. I was like I got my power back and so it was great, so just wanted to share that. So, as we're talking, what I want people to be aware of is like, where in your life are you maybe feeling a lack of power? Where is your communication and your access to your own power maybe breaking down, you know, and just hearing that and being thinking of it for yourself and throughout this, you know, like, where does this apply in your life or how can you use this for your life?
Samantha Pruitt:right. Whether it's ideas, emotions, thoughts, whatever creativity, there's an expression, it comes out of you and in, in expressing you know it makes you feel alive. I think you talked about one of your classmates just feeling like so alive and almost giddy at the fact that she was expressing so clearly and you know, colorfully and vividly and powerfully that's a good point.
Polly Mertens:You know what, what I were at, my lack of power, just energy, like energy in my body and stuff was I just didn't have conversations alive in my life as much. You know, I was like, you know the conversations, let's say, at work, you know, active because I was pursuing that. But you know, that's just like a section of life, right. You know we have this whole Right and it's like in these other areas I had put in so much energy into the conversations around projects and people that I worked with that the access and energy with people in my life was diminished and I was present to that Right. So so, yes, I love it. Like our expressing, our sharing too, like sharing and hearing and listening for people getting excited, what people are up to.
Samantha Pruitt:So read those definitions so we can clarify for our people what we actually mean when we say communicate or Webster or whoever's you know, google, if you will.
Polly Mertens:So listening right, listening so to give one's attention to a sound, and I think in this we'll say to other people right? So we're talking about communication, not just listening for everything, but listening for people in our life, right To take notice of and act on what someone says, to take notice of it, make an effort to hear something. So that's listening. And there's a bunch we'll go into about that. But communication in speaking, I love this. So talking is uttering words with the goal of getting a message across. Talking is uttering words, you know, getting a message across sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't communicate. Communicating right refers to one step further in the process. It is the successful transmission of a message.
Samantha Pruitt:That's it, that's good, that's how many of us go through life on the daily just talking but but not really communicating, or hearing but not really listening?
Polly Mertens:Yeah, yeah, and there is a big difference between hearing and listening right, so and there's a lot to that.
Polly Mertens:So I would say one of the things we wanted to share, as I was sharing that example of how, like these relationships that I have and I love, in my life there was barriers to connection, right. So I want to talk about, like, some of those barriers to connection what, what, what causes the breakdowns? Right, it could be in the actual communication or it could be over here inside our head, my head, your head, that's like, oh, they don't want to hear from me, or like you were having some breakdowns of communication with. Yeah.
Samantha Pruitt:I was going to say don't think you're all that special, because I guarantee everybody listening to this, including me, can completely relate to one, if not many, of these examples and stories we're going to unpack together today.
Polly Mertens:Do you want to share your story about the communication with your friend who was your longtime ultra mentor?
Samantha Pruitt:I will. I will using that as an example, but let's first start and should we start with clearing or should we start with completing?
Polly Mertens:Let's do clearing.
Samantha Pruitt:Do clearing first.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, what do you? What do you? How about you go first? You start with clearing. What do you want to say about that? What is that for you in communication?
Samantha Pruitt:I don't have a good example of clearing right now. Oh yeah, I guess I did earlier when you and I were talking about the subject matter. Really, I kept thinking about work scenarios in this clearing piece of it, you know, rather than the completing. I had a lot of personal stories related to that, but in the clearing so we're talking about communication, clearing being different from completing. So in clearing, I think a lot about work environments, whether it's coworkers or the boss and the employee or something you know, those kinds of professional settings where things just are not clear. There isn't open and clear communication.
Samantha Pruitt:I gave you an example of how people think that emailing and texting is communication. It's not. It's not what we're going to talk about today. But let us just point out the obvious that that's not actual, real communication. These are just make form shifts of communication that we've all allowed to become part of our daily life.
Samantha Pruitt:But real communication is, you know, am I being heard, understood? Is the other person expressing themselves? Is it open? Do we have clarity with each other? Can we go into a situation, whatever it might be, that we're trying to work through or tell each other or express to each other? And is it clear or is there a filter over this communication, One or both of us having a filter about our own beliefs about each other or the situation, or our own opinions and all of our baggage basically? So that's filters or just these make-believe stories or, you know, things that we tell ourselves about each other and ourselves, also limiting beliefs that impact the clarity of the conversation. You can't be clear when you have dark sunglasses on and you're staring at a person and trying to connect. I mean, that's not going to work. It's like being in a foggy room, right? You need to really be there with each other and have open communication.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, I guess I like the idea of the foggy glasses or something. But one of the things I was thinking of as we started was you know, if you wanted to or let's say, you're trying to go somewhere in your car, right, Like you have a destination and there's mud and crud and you know, snow or something there's something packed on the windshield right, and it's like if you just try to go into this communication but you're not clear, you're going to end up in a ditch or bumping in or whatever, right? So clearing is like wiping that windshield. It's like what's in the way you know, energetically, visually, auditorily, like you said, the story, something going on inside my mind that has me listening through a filter, or it's also, you know, I would say the other dimension of this is when.
Polly Mertens:So one of the things I think that I got out of this course was love and affinity. Right, when love, like so, when you understand that you want to have the relationships in your life, because love and affinity and or affinity flows one way direction, two way, or what have you right? And when it's not, there's something that's not clear. Right, there's something on the windshield of you know getting in the way of you seeing this person mucking it up? Whatever right so clearing.
Samantha Pruitt:Give me an example of that. Give me an example of something that would get in the way like a filter.
Polly Mertens:A filter. Well, I think you gave a great one. It's like I well, I'll just speak from personal experience. So one of the things that has gotten in the past in the way for me and my mom communicating is I have a filter that she's a victim. Right, I have a filter that she needs help, she needs fixing, she needs to change. You know something along those lines, right, so I'm not just absolutely so.
Polly Mertens:One of the things Landmark has a great phrase for is coming from nothing, right, so coming from nothing. So, if I were clear, there was nothing energetically or impairing my ability to truly listen to her. I like what you said about openness, right, so a curiosity. It's like, oh, I don't know what this person is going to say. I, maybe, you know. It's like when relationships are brand new and we just just just get to know somebody, whether it's an intimate partner on a date or or you know somebody like you, you know, and somebody walks into the store and you're like, hey, like we don't know them, we discover them Like we're super, we discover them.
Polly Mertens:We discover them, we get to create them from nothing, like, oh my God, who are you? You know you're perky about it, right, but when we put these filters in place, there's lots of garbage on the windshield, if you will, of us having a conversation. There's lack of clarity, we're not clear. So much is in the way. So clearing with that person and that could be. You know, you have a lifetime of experience with this person and maybe things have been good and then something breaks down and it's not clear. Right, it's it's. It's not clear right like they're either. Something is changed for them, like you were having with your friend who has had some mental brain tumor and stuff like that. So the communication is breaking down in some way also, is that helpful? Do we think we got clear?
Samantha Pruitt:yeah, I also just want to add to that, like there's not being clear or having filters. A lot of times it's like the relationship has a long journey to it, possibly Right, and so a lot of things have transpired over the lifetime of our parents, our children, our spouse. Even a job we've been in a long time. If you have the same boss or whatever, right, and so you kind of are dragging all of that into the current today's conversation over coffee or you know whatever. Why are we doing that? Well, 10 years ago and when I was little, you said this thing and hey, when you were, you know what in the hell? But we do these things, and often unconsciously, right. So we're choosing to put that filter on, that mask almost over our glasses or whatever, when we go into the room or the conversation with the person, and the tragedy is it's not fair. It's not fair to them, but it's not fair. It's not fair to them, but it's also not fair to us.
Polly Mertens:It doesn't feel good and something you're heading upon I just want to share also is um they talk about in this course what I love. The distinction is, a lot of these behaviors that we're going to talk about today are coming from a innate instinct to survive 100 so these behaviors, like you said, they're sort of subconscious or whatnot.
Polly Mertens:It's driven by this underlying animalistic I need to survive, right, like, oh, that person said that thing to me. What does that mean? Oh, am I going to be okay? Um, you know, like threat, threat, threat, threat. So if we can recognize in the background, just just like we all have, it, is this innate in order to survive? Listening, and it's like the 10,000 foot barrier, if you will. If we let it to love and affinity right, surviving fear or love and affinity. You're either in one or the other.
Samantha Pruitt:The irony there is that communication is a survival instinct. It's critical to our survival and it greatly impacts our physical and mental health. You know, it's really like paramount connection, communication to even being alive, to even being alive. So if ours is muggy or cloudy or dirty or dysfunctional or blocked, or like you gave the swiss cheese analogy over a conversation where it totally made sense to me, it's like that's not going to be good for us yeah, yeah, we have like holes in our.
Polly Mertens:you know, if we look at like our body or our aura is, you know, a block of cheese or whatever, swiss cheese is what we're like when we're and we could say incomplete with people or we don't have connection, there's holes in something's broken down, right, so that love and affinity is either broken down they're them to us or us to them, right. And so, looking at those areas where we don't feel whole and complete, and whether you outwardly recognize it or you've pushed it down for so long, you're not totally aware of it, guess what it's. If you, if you poke around inside, you're like, ooh, that's soft and tender. Ooh, that's an old wound.
Samantha Pruitt:Ooh, that's not complete, that's not, not in clear communication with that person, Right? Yeah, Well, how are we going to get clear? So well, let's talk about. Let's talk about completing. Let's talk about what is completing is first, and then we'll go through the steps. Okay, completing I've got some stories here, but how would you describe completing for you?
Polly Mertens:Well, I would say you know you're complete or you know you're not complete. When you feel incomplete, you just know it. Like you just know like something's not complete with that person, it feels like a missing, obviously ding, ding, ding. If love and affinity aren't flowing, something's incomplete. It's an obvious giveaway. And so you just check in with yourself Do I have love and affinity flowing with this person? Then we're complete, like sweet, you know, and I don't think we need to say too deep. You know like it doesn't need to go much deeper than that, because I think we innately get communication when it's there, when it's not. And so if you have a feeling like love and affinity used to be there, it's no longer is, or you want it there, then there's probably something incomplete, and what it is could be some different things, but it's, it's incomplete for you.
Polly Mertens:How about you.
Samantha Pruitt:Well, I had a lot of examples of this Because it's been really relevant in my life recently, but maybe I just have a pattern around this. But I really am deeply uncomfortable with a sense of incompleteness with my connections with others. So if I feel like, hey, we had a relationship in one instance as I gave an example of somebody I was super close with, spent a lot of time with, had just deep admiration for and connection to, and then during the pandemic, we fell out of connection, which happened to many, many people and for a myriad of reasons. But then most of the important relationships came back into my life afterwards and through their outreach, my outreach and you make things happen. This particular person I kept trying to reach out to and didn't get a response. Trying to reach out to, didn't get a response in different forms of communication, and then I started to make up a story about it.
Polly Mertens:I did yeah.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, my mind was making up all kinds of stories and a deep sense of rejection from this person not wanting to reconnect with me and allowing this incompleteness to be a thing. I don't like that and I do. I think deeply. There's a lot of reasons that that could be a hot button for me or whatever, but I just think in general like walking around in that way doesn't feel good for most people, right? So long story short with this particular individual. They had a lot of trauma and different things happening in their life and went into a very dark space and have just become disconnected in general to a big part of their life and their past, which is unfortunate. So I reached out to a family member, found a way to reconnect and just this week I'm going to chase this person down.
Samantha Pruitt:And I've made a commitment to myself of however they respond is I can't have an expectation and I need to not have a story here. I need to just be open and express myself and complete the journey, whether I end up leaving a message or sending a letter or whatever it ends up looking like. If I don't get a communication directly, like a verbal communication, so I can fully express myself with my deep love for this person and all of these things, that's me completing the journey for myself and I think that's incredibly empowering and hopefully they will receive it and hear it and all of those things. But even if they don't, I need that and I find that that's just what is healthy for me.
Samantha Pruitt:You know, I've had relationships where I've lost many important people in my life, sometimes suddenly, sometimes not so suddenly.
Samantha Pruitt:I mean I can't express enough to all of humanity how important those last conversations are and so making that your highest priority in terms of your connection to that person.
Samantha Pruitt:People spend their life with so many different people and we're all touched by, you know, hundreds, if not thousands, of people, and then you'll have your inner kind of core group of people that are obviously in closer proximity. But nobody lasts forever. None of us are getting out of this thing alive, and so if you don't have a chance to have a final communication and you don't know when that's going to be, by the way, for any of us you're going to live with a deep sense of regret, in my never to be humble opinion, and I've had all of those experiences and then every kind of combination of those experiences, and so for me, the older I get and the more I've had of those. Now I'm just very diligent about making sure that my conversations, whenever they happen, have that depth to them, so that person, people, understand what they mean to me and they feel my love and all of that kind of stuff. I just think it's really just a gift we give ourselves, we give each other.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and I think one of the things that you and I've both seen is we've gone through enough life where somehow we've lost or someone has left before we felt we were complete with them, right, and so that forever teaches us going forward. Do you want that again? Right? And if not, then you need to get up to something else. And you know I want to acknowledge you I heard some things in your sharing.
Polly Mertens:It's like like what you're committed to, you said you know I'm committed to Right, so you're committed to completion with people. You're committed to, you know, not having that happen again. You know whoever it was, or maybe there were several people that you know passed before you felt like you completed with them. So it's like I don't want to be in a place in my life where there's any incompleteness Maybe there's some, you know it's not perfect but like I don't want to be in a place where people that I care about I'm incomplete. So if I lost them, they lost me. That you know it would feel incomplete. So that's part of the commitment that you're the game that you're up to right, yeah.
Samantha Pruitt:Another example I can give of completion where I feel strongly about is kind of any sort of professional or business or work environment as well, business or work environment as well. Really making sure when those things come to an end which they all will all projects, jobs and businesses, all of these things will come to an end. Business relationships also, landing the plane with those and really being kind of clear on hey, I want to make sure I express to you you know what I got out of this and what we shared together and whatever my thoughts are on it. I don't need to have their stamp of approval, response, high five or whatever. I'm not looking for like a feedback loop necessarily there, but it's very healthy for me to be able to have full expression of that experience for me, have full expression of that experience for me. So I then move on to the next chapter and don't feel part of me is still back.
Samantha Pruitt:God, I really wish I'd said that. I really wish I'd done that. I really I don't want to have all of that. I really wish I'd et cetera, et cetera. Fill in the blanks. I want to be like done next. Yeah, like full on, let's go. You know next chapter and feel good about it.
Polly Mertens:And what I got out of that like from an energy standpoint right, like so, if your energy is something that you can put into things, right. Or you receive from someone else right, like someone you can, you know when someone's pouring energy into you, you really appreciate that right. Or you're pouring energy into a project or someone, or to a community or something like that. When it's incomplete, it feels like the tank you don't have the power to create somewhere else, like your energy is pulling on you.
Samantha Pruitt:It's like there are still strings attached to the old lover, to the old job, to the old neighborhood, to the whatever. There's still a string there and every now and then that string is going to get tugged. I mean, to me they just feel like triggers or strings and I just want freedom.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and power comes from completeness, like, oh, I've got all of my power, I don't have any of my energy leaking out or being held back by or incomplete with person thing said, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I think people are trying to get like you're more whole and complete, to express yourself fully, forwardly, powerfully, when there's not drains in your cheese, you're not just like leaking out, you're not, you're not complete. So, um, so I think, yeah. So if you find an area where love and affinity was there and it's not, it's most likely because something's incomplete.
Polly Mertens:So, okay, so let's talk about some of the barriers, because I I've heard some of them already come up, but I have, uh, three barriers that I wanted to share and we'll use this as an opening for all these little micro shares that we have. So, three barriers to you know love and affinity, or communication and connection. I would, I'll list them and then we'll go into them. So, focus, feelings and filters, not in that particular order, but there you go. So which one do you want to touch on first? Focus, feeling.
Samantha Pruitt:Focus is easy because everybody knows Are you actually in the conversation, listening, and part of it, because we sort of talked about that earlier Are you like texting or doing 20 other things or not really paying attention? And that's why I'll just say it again, because I guess it's annoying the hell out of me Emailing and texting are not real conversations. You're not focused, impossible, anyway, yeah.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and I agree. So like things that distract from being focused are your focus is on something other than the person and what they're saying. It's like you said on a physical thing, on the kids yelling in the background, the dog barking, the email that's sitting there, that you haven't let go of. That you need to get back to whatever. Oh, the, the. You know the thoughts in your head, you know whatever. So your focus is right. And focus could be also um nutrition wise, like I've. I know, like I get in, that if I get into hangry, it's like biophysiologically, focus is lacking, right. Or if I get into low blood sugar, like I'm just like checked out right or right, or dehydrated, right, like there's barriers physiologically as well, as you know focus, you know, but. But I think that's also causes lack of focus, as well, yeah, I'm glad you brought that up.
Samantha Pruitt:That's a big one.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, hangry is one of mine, so, okay, all right. And how about feelings or filters? They're both fun.
Samantha Pruitt:What do you say about feelings?
Polly Mertens:So feelings, emotions, you know emotional state we talk about that a lot here on Everyday Awesome Project and I think the example, so, when a barrier to communication goes on, is there's an emotional state that you're in I would just say, not able to receive from nothing. Not able to receive from nothing. Not able to receive, clearly not capable, because you've got something triggered trauma, turmoil, tension, resistance, something in the body that's not just like, oh, sweet, talk to me, what's going on. You know it's emotionally distracted. Yeah, it's like you've got your emotional baggage in the way. If you will, how about you?
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, you're either already worked up about something else it has nothing to do with this person anyway or you've got some kind of blockage, resistance, wall, barrier up to really be listening and understanding and being open or clear, as you say to what the individual is trying to express. You know?
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and I think the first, the most important thing, is if we haven't listened to our dozens of talks or whatever about emotional mastery and where it comes from.
Samantha Pruitt:You mean our 60 plus.
Polly Mertens:Because we think this is important Feel you know how your life feels is more important than how it looks like 60, we're gonna be over 600, just be listening. Look out, we're coming for you. So it's. You know the feelings, your feelings, your emotional state, they, they alter who you are in the world, like it's what you hear and what you hear what? Yeah, yeah, how you hear it sometimes too right.
Samantha Pruitt:Like I can't handle people raising their voices. I don't like I grew up with a yelling parent and all of these things. And listen, somebody starts raising their voice. It doesn't have to get very high and I'm like and I don't mean in a fun, crazy way, like I do it all the time, but I'm yeah, fun, crazy way, like I do it all the time, but I'm yeah, elated, excited.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, yeah, I'm out. Yeah, the wall, I'm telling you it comes crashing down. I hear nothing and I also am like I'm getting the fuck out of here. It really doesn't even matter what they're talking about. I'm gone, I'm out emotionally and then, very quickly, I'm out physically. I just don't like that. It's very uncomfortable for me. So you know, we all have our things. We're, we're humans here, you know and there's growth.
Polly Mertens:You know there's growth to be had. You know, one of the things that this course taught and it's like you know, it's a Zen practice, I would say is being in the face of any communication and receiving it, like getting it right. Not like you know, because I'm with you, like I grew up in a yelling household too, and somebody yells at me, I'm like, oh man, I do not want to hear this isn't happening. But I'm in a new game, new practice of there's no meaning in it, also Like raised voice. You know, like I'm looking through a new lens of there's no meaning there, like, oh, that person's voice is louder, but it's a new game. Anyway, we won't go into that too much.
Polly Mertens:But your emotional state. So one of the things I think about is especially in intimate relationships. You know, I know, that there's a lot of training out there around approaching someone with a sensitive topic, you know. So, like you and your partner have a breakdown. Or you know, I've had in my I'll speak for myself I've had experiences in relationship, intimate relationship, where, um, you know, like bickering about something or just coming to a like a head. It doesn't even have to be like explosive or whatever, but it's just, and the the, the, like you said, the inner walls go up, the listening breaks down or whatnot. And if you can't and we'll give you a practice at the end let that go in the moment and just be clear at nothing. Then that's not the time to try for the communication right. And a lot of things say well, if you've got something you want to bring up, hold on to it and come back when you and that person are in a ah like in a place where you can hear without all the emotions in the way.
Samantha Pruitt:Exactly, yeah, so exactly.
Polly Mertens:All right Filters. This is a fun one you were sharing a little bit earlier, and will filters block all of this?
Samantha Pruitt:Oh, dude, right, yeah. And so when we are talking about a filter, I guess, like my layman's terms, is like you know, I'm bringing, I'm bringing my baggage to the party. I'm coming with my backpack full of all my things. I'm traumatized. I got so much shit. I mean I'm 55.
Samantha Pruitt:Some things have happened. I can't pretend I was just born yesterday and married day and married for 26 years. I got, you know, children, jobs, career, businesses, lots of things. Humaning is hard people, but when I come forward I try not to always bring my baggage with me, but sometimes it's down deep or it's, you know, it's unconscious and I don't want to show up unconscious like a zombie into my relationships, into my communication, into my connections with any other human being, nevermind my closest and dearest, but really even the stranger who walks in to REI tomorrow who, you know, is going to run his first 100K, like the guy yesterday. That was so fun, but I want to be totally open to knowing this person and being there with them and hearing them. It's so incredibly inspiring and full of just joy.
Polly Mertens:And I think the practice, you know the game that this course that I've just attended has taught me is like how can we have, you know, somebody walks into our life for the first time and we come from nothing like, oh, stranger, and if you're not like they're danger, but like stranger, like fun, nice, who is this person? Curious, right, like a new experience. How can we practice that kind of listening, listening from a place of curiosity and openness, and with the people in our life that we've seen 300,000 times, right, or we've had?
Samantha Pruitt:Well, before you get into that. I mean not everybody approaches strangers like we do. I mean, I want to be honest. I see a lot of human behavior, and so do you, and I see many times the stranger is a big threat. These are perfect. These people don't even know each other. They maybe how they look or how they might appear or whatever. Maybe even how they're communicating or what they say. They say as a stranger to stranger. In those exchanges, many times people just put up the filter and make judgment and do not have the openness. You're literally robbing yourself of the human experience and connection with humanity.
Polly Mertens:And your own self-expression, probably too right. And I would say you know the filters, you know just go back to what we said earlier is largely in order to survive. So there's something that gets in the way of you know, like you and I, you know, not having that, that openness, right is probably something that you say about yourself, or the way that the world is, or the way that you are is because I have to survive in this world, right? And if that weren't true, if you could break down and break up and crack open that old limiting belief like people are mean, or people are ugly, or people are out to get me, or whatever it sounds like for you, or people are dangerous, there's probably a whole world that you could, you know now, open up to with a newness, a freshness. Their expression could be received, your expression could be heard and put into the world. And yet we close it down for some reason, and often it's because you put it under the label of in order to survive.
Samantha Pruitt:It's a survival strategy that you've come up with right, and I wanted to point out that we do it with strangers because we might not be aware. And the fact is, if we do it with strangers, imagine how much we're doing it with the people close to us, because with them we have a story, we have a history, we have a shared experience many months, you know, however, many thousands, depending on how long you've been together and what, how closely knit you are in this life. Right, and so how do you come to that clear now to have a conversation and to be able to communicate about any kind of subject matter? I mean, I'm just going to look to you to answer that question because I don't know, somehow I'm figuring it out, but I'm definitely not doing it perfectly and we'll go and be yeah, well, I just think, if we recognize you know, one of the things we said is you know, when you're not complete with somebody, it just feels incomplete, right?
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and so to tell yeah, and we know when we're not open to the communication, we're not, um, like you said, open or hearing or receiving it. We're like, instantly you should go. Oh, I'm doing something to survive. I'm telling myself a story, I'm behaving in a way that is probably based in childhood wounds or something right. And I'll just give you a list right now, some things that if you notice these behaviors in your either outwardly, going into an engagement or withholding, or you know, whatever your behavior is, when there's someone who wants to communicate with you or you could communicate with, it's probably pointing to a mode of survival. So those things are defending and protecting. So if you check your behavior or you check your words, or you check the language or the body language or actions, right, you're defending or protecting yourself.
Polly Mertens:You're fixing or changing. Right, wanting to fix, change this person, resisting or preventing. So you're like I want to avoid this person, like I'm resisting the interaction, forcing or controlling. So we're trying to win over. Or you know, make this person, you know force or control them, justifying or explaining something they're saying, what's going on and convincing and proving over. Or you know, make this person, you know when, of course or control them, justifying or explaining something. They're saying, what's going on and convincing and proving right. So with communication is withheld some form of communication, your expression, if you will, is withheld in that moment with one of these areas. So being present to that, that's the survival mechanism. If you're doing one of those, you're in survival. You're not in love and affinity, you're not in open communication, you're not in a commitment to having a life where you feel whole and complete, because if I'm withholding and protecting, something's going to break down. I'm not, you know so.
Samantha Pruitt:You know what I would add to that? Those are so great how you articulated that I think some people might get into communications and in it not be able to identify they're doing any of that, but possibly doing it right, and what I would say is so then you leave the conversation and it doesn't feel good.
Polly Mertens:Oh yeah.
Samantha Pruitt:Guess what you were doing. One of these. Okay, that's all you need to know. I've left the conversation and I feel like shit.
Polly Mertens:I don't feel good, guess what.
Samantha Pruitt:You were doing one of those, that's true. So now you have awareness whether you know which one. You were doing. One of those, that's true. So now you have awareness whether you know which one you were doing or not. And so then what? What do we do next?
Polly Mertens:well, you're lucky well. And two, one of the things so oftentimes, if you don't notice it, you're probably explaining or justifying yourself. You know like that's the covert behavior. If you will, some of these are overt.
Samantha Pruitt:They still feel yucky afterwards because they know they were bullshitting. I'm telling you, people totally are so much smarter than they give themselves credit. Yeah, when you walk away from an exchange with another human and you don't feel good, guess what? What?
Polly Mertens:your body tells you so. Yeah, your body tells you so. But what do I?
Samantha Pruitt:do next? I don't feel good. What now, mom?
Polly Mertens:I know, I know well what we want to. Just, you know we're trying to help people get clear on the speaking and listening what it is clearing and completing what those are. These are examples of the barriers of communication feeling your feelings are in the way, your filters are in the way or your focus is in the way we've given. Given you some examples, right, so we want to move into, I think, as we transition into some steps here, I think you have to check in with your commitment, right. So like who are you committed to being in the world? Like, one of the things that I got when you were sharing is like you're committed to having complete relationships, complete, you know, conversations with people, not having your energy, all you know, all over the place, or not having all of your power so you can go into the next thing or the next thing, and you recognize already through your life experience that when something's not completed or I'm not clear with somebody, it's incomplete and therefore you're incomplete and so your power is waning or not fully there. So, um, I guess I would say what are you committed to, right? So are you committed to being whole and complete in yourself? Then guess what you're going to probably get up to this game that we're inviting you to called being in communication with people from nothing. Some of these practices will share with you so that you have completeness, you have clearing for people, right, because you're feeling your power, you're feeling their power, like you're able to receive people.
Polly Mertens:Guess what? That beautiful thing called love and connection that we so crave as human beings? We can't live without it. Like oxygen, it becomes present for you, like you get it. You get connection with people, even if it's, you know, somebody at the grocery store, even if it's somebody on the street, right, like you know, when you're withholding, guess what? You're not fully expressing your love, your energy, your beautiful brilliance as a soul. So, check in with yourself. What are you committed to? And if you're committed to being whole and complete and having all your power access to you know loving relationships, relationships, even if it's simple relationships, right? So if you are committed to feeling whole and complete, having your power, standing in your power, having relationships that work, or being complete with ones that you are done with, you know you can be complete with that relationship. It's like we're not going to be, we're trans. What do they say? You're, you're transmuting your relationship you know, sometimes that relationship is done.
Polly Mertens:You know we're in it no, it's done so. Homework first, homework, homework.
Polly Mertens:Get out a pen, get ready to receive some, some steps here, one is like make a list of the people in your life where love and affinity or love and or affinity was present and it's not. And it could be it was lost, it could be it used to be, it could be. It's just places in your life where the relationships that you value you value. This is your list. This is not my list, this isn't anybody else's list. This is you checking in with yourself. Guess what If you got a hole in your body? It's one of these relationships making a list where it used to be and it's not present. Okay, right, that's step one. And then number two hey, guess what? Get on the phone.
Polly Mertens:You gotta contact these people get out of here and so it's like how much power do you want to bring back to yourself? Yeah, right, like, how do you want to feel in your body? Your commitment is is like you're all powerful. You're like no, I don't want these drains, these energy drains, these things, you know, lingering or lacking in my life. I want to get complete with them and, as you and I said before we got on air, it's like it could be something that's pretty old, that needs to get complete, and it might be one relationship that you've lost.
Polly Mertens:I literally last week called my bestie from when I grew up and I you know we have a Facebook relationship but nothing. And I called her and I was like, hey, and we just like started having a new relationship and it wasn't. There was any breakdown. There was always love. I love it, but I had I had, literally through the homework, I had called everybody or reached out to everybody that was on my list that Love and Affinity wasn't active and present, and I was like I want to keep practicing this. So I called her and it was like beautiful, like all kinds of things are blooming over there with that. That's so cool. Yeah, how about you? Does that? Anything else that you would add, like get on the phone, like get these people off your list, like get on the phone, like get these people off your list.
Samantha Pruitt:I would say, in some instances, especially when it comes to completing, even clearing, sometimes maybe you just need to write a letter, maybe it's a written word and you can send it or not send it, but I suggest sending it and having zero expectations around a response or what the response would be, and not hanging on to any of that. People are really fearful of those kind of things, especially if there's a lot of you know bad juju back there. That is hard for them to, but they've got to release it. This is the only way to me that it's going to get out and I don't want it trapped in my body and brain.
Samantha Pruitt:It does not deserve room. It doesn't pay rent here, it's got to go. Yes, you know. I want to make space for other things in my life.
Polly Mertens:You're committed to being powerful. You're committed to being whole.
Samantha Pruitt:And the other one is I call all these people. There are a few people. I probably wouldn't be picking up the phone, but I could easily write letter and have closure for myself.
Polly Mertens:And you know what?
Polly Mertens:There's also rituals as well or ritual, yeah, if there, you know, if there's a ritual that you could express this in a way that you only you know, right, only you know. Maybe it's the letter gets written and you mail it. Maybe the letter gets written and you burn it. Maybe the letter gets written and you create ceremony, you know, you bury it, who knows? Right, like, or some some other expression.
Polly Mertens:Like I did a beautiful expression when I lost a friend, um, that had nothing to do with writing but it was communicating with him, it was visually, you know, I did flowers in the ocean, you know, and I spoke to him and said things right, like it's completion, so, whatever that looks like for you, all right, so make your list and then get people off your list, like, get them in your life or complete with them, right. And then the last thing I wanted to invite people to practice, because he said, you know, humaning is challenging, right, like there's a, there's a lot going on in this mechanistic body that we have, these active minds that are out for survival, these traumas that we haven't fully processed through small T, big T, whatever they are. There's filters that just inherently our mind out of survival is bringing up. And then there's moments where we get hungry. We get hangry and we say something out of an act or whatever, or, you know whatever.
Polly Mertens:So the practice is, if you find yourself in a communication and it's breaking down and God knows, we know when communication is breaking down, so we're not going to describe that, but communication is breaking down in some form them to you or you to them Stop is breaking down in some form, them to you or you to them. Stop, like can you create a little bit of a pause and then go inward noticing what's going on inside, like, what's your experience? Are you getting heated? Are you getting bored? Are you getting pissed off? Are you whatever Like, notice what's going on inside and much like you can hold on to something in your hand. Can you just go?
Polly Mertens:Oh, I'm holding on to, you're probably doing one of those behaviors fixing, changing, controlling, explaining, protecting, justifying, whatever. If you're holding on to one of those, you're fucking doing it, you're doing it, you're preventing, you're withholding your real self and you're not expressing it. And then can you let it go, and letting go is just as simple as that, just as simple as letting something go in your hand. You can just poof, I'm gonna let that go, and then that creates the clearing in your energy, in your mind, in your maybe need to eat something, you know whatever, like if that's like what's preventing it, but if it's something that you're consciously holding on to or subconsciously, but you know it's present because you've just checked in with yourself, let it go and then, like, stay in your commitment of love and affinity, like communication. Right, how about you? What would you add to that, my dear?
Samantha Pruitt:Well, I'd add that you know the other person might be behaving or saying things that are triggering these type of responses in you and to not be like blaming them for creating this. This is within us and response you're having that's yours to own, but then realizing that's also a reality that sometimes occurs and that's another reason to take a break and create space right Is understanding. Oh, for whatever reason, again, this isn't the right day, time, environment, whatever circumstances, to have this conversation and being willing to say that. I have done that many times with my spouse.
Samantha Pruitt:When things are not going in the right direction and I don't mean that I'm not winning, even though I'd like to win you know I can just feel the conversation is degrading.
Samantha Pruitt:You know it's no longer feeling like a healthy exchange, a discussion or a decision or whatever the process is that we're about. You know, a discussion or a decision or whatever the process is that we're about, you know, because we don't always see eye to eye. Hello, we're two very different people, but I'm pretty good about going. Okay, I think we're done here. I think we've kind of talked about this enough today. We should circle back at another time and bring this back up in a different way because it became unproductive. Just be honest about it. I'm not saying you know, I'm just saying hey, this is like no longer working, so I could do that in a professional environment or with a friend or whatever. Wow, this conversation just is not really feeling healthy anymore for me, and so I feel like I need to take a break and circle back on this healthier yeah yeah, and I wonder too um people will push you to stay in those.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, I've done this. I've practiced this many, many times, not just with my spouse, but in business environments in particular.
Polly Mertens:Um, or with people that, whatever there was some kind of friction and we were trying to resolve or make a decision, um, they will push you to stay in it, and so you have to be really strong in your boundary with this kind of individual and I would say also go upstairs and check because oftentimes the mind is out of survival, making meaning and significance about their tone, how they're saying what they're saying, how this ties into what somebody said to me on the playground when I was five whatever, like largely there's some meaning that you're adding to what's not there, right? So if you can get to a place where, like there's like it's empty and meaningless what they're saying, it's like we're just talking, you know, and I'm adding a Buddhist moment.
Samantha Pruitt:it's like we're just talking, you know, and I'm adding that's like a buddhist moment, that's like full-on buddha mode. I'm doing me and you're gonna be doing you.
Polly Mertens:Yeah let me know when you get to that level because that is freaking awesome that is, that is the practice.
Polly Mertens:that is the practice and it you know, when you have these, this is, this is the practice of it, right? So it's like's, like it's strengthening the muscle and it's not always going to be perfect. But when I'm holding on to something called meaning or justifying or a survival technique, or hurt or something, I'm preventing my expression, I start withholding my communication, my love and affinity, my flow and communication, and if I can be the one to let it go, we have a better chance of working here. It's this thing called committed to having my life work, committed to being whole and complete, committed to being expressed and receiving people's expression and not making all this meaning around what they're saying, that if I let it go, I can be with that person right and just accept them. Oh yeah, yummy. Well, what's our one thing? What? How can we summarize this? Has?
Polly Mertens:been a yummy episode, by the way. I've gotten so much.
Samantha Pruitt:I love. Well, I have something to say.
Samantha Pruitt:I just don't know if it's the one thing, but I guess maybe you can read it about, sort of way, like I guess I really want people to recognize that this work is for them. You know, it's not about helping the other person. Learn to communicate with me, making a better marriage, being a better employee, being a better boss, blah, blah, blah, blah blah. And the interpersonal relationships. Yes, you better have some communication skills if you plan to be on any of those which most of us are. But this work is different, like I feel like this is really for you, you know, it's for your full expression of truth and beauty in the world. It's for your power, your full power. You're owning your power. It's for you being fully whole.
Polly Mertens:You, yeah, you the listener you the me that's who it's for yeah, I think there's a reason they call this access to power, this course, because it really opened my eye where I wasn't in my power or we aren't in our power when communication is breaking, because we what I got from having I mean I had I was on the phone for almost two solid days talking to this person to break down, breakthroughs, break down, you know, communicating, being in the dance of communication with people. In the dance of communication with people, I felt like in whole new ways, like I was practicing coming from nothing, coming from curiosity, coming from whatever happened in the past that was the you know whatever but like, I'm committed to being whole and complete in myself, completing with you, having you know. And what am I committed to in the future? Right, like, like I said, sometimes you want to complete with somebody to close it, like you said, and put it behind you, but then sometimes you want to complete with somebody so you can create a future with them. Right, it's like I want to complete where we had a breakdown, so that we feel complete and clear between each other and we can have a future together in communication. That that's worth dragging that along and and you never know what somebody's going to say stand for us having something work, having communication be open and clear, and creating new agreements around that communication that we both built.
Polly Mertens:How receptive people were. You know it was like or, or, if they're not, then that's for them. Like I didn't make it mean anything. It was like, oh, if that person you know I attempted several times with some people that I'd had breakdowns with and love and affinity wasn't flowing and I just got, oh, contact me in three weeks, you know. Or like you said, like you've had some that were like nothing and it's like, okay, I'm not going to make meaning about that. If I'm committed to being in relationship with that person, either I can complete it and move on, like, okay, that's them. Or like you, like you kept trying, and then have those conversations, have those moments where them, where I feel complete and I allow them to feel complete. You know it's two-way right and it's amazing how empowering, how rich those relationships are. Again, like relationships are alive in my life again because I've been in communication. Connection is alive in my life again because I've been in communication. Connection is alive in my life again because I've been in communication. It's just fascinating, so fascinating.
Polly Mertens:So if you're finding you know lack of power. If you're finding you know just people in your life, you've closed a lot of doors or locked people out. I call it like shutting people out or whatnot. Just make that list, start and get honest with yourself. Like and the part of it is, do you want love and affinity or do you just want completion with them? Like, what, what is your intention? What would serve you best? Right, only you know what's healthiest for you, what you're needing most. But be honest and open. Not you know in survival and constricted like I need to protect myself from that person because they're always with me, it's like, well, maybe there's an opportunity for growth. Am I not hearing them in a way that they're trying to express? Am I not accepting them in a way that, if I were accepting of their communications, I could be more loving and accepting in other areas of my life? Right?
Samantha Pruitt:As a practice. Yeah, exactly, create space within yourself, free yourself. It's really a freedom, a liberation.
Polly Mertens:Yes, that's such a good word Liberation. I love that word, yeah, even better than freedom. Yes.
Samantha Pruitt:This was so good, ladies, so I would say the one thing make the list.
Polly Mertens:Make the list Make the list, because that's where you get honest with yourself, right, like then you can see, you know, yeah, we, you can like, oh, I'm gonna like practice with the people I'm already in communication with, right. But if you don't really take an honest look at you may be missing some holes in your cheese that you're not wanting to pay attention to and are actually causing you, you know, resistance or lack of love or lack of your power, right. So making the list and even if you're like, oh, that's going to be an awkward conversation, or okay, like Samantha said, you can do it in a different way, you can complete with them. It doesn't have to be a face-to-face you, I mean, there's some people in my course that were highly traumatized by people in their life, like a lot of trauma. So it was or wasn't appropriate to be in face-to-face with that person. It was or wasn't healthy for them to be in communication with that person and they had to, you know, decide for themselves, like, was there a threat to their life, kind of thing.
Polly Mertens:So don't be like, oh, yeah, I'm just gonna go. You know, like, so sweet, all right, my dear lovely, lovely, I'm excited about our next conversation too. We'll share about that on our next episode. But um, samantha's gonna share. She's gonna be dropping some beautiful bombs of all this wisdom that she has up in that head of hers she's been collecting. Can't wait.
Samantha Pruitt:Crazy life of ours.
Polly Mertens:What do you want to share with them? Our wrap-up.
Samantha Pruitt:I want these people to understand, not just hear me.
Polly Mertens:Hear me loud.
Samantha Pruitt:Hear me clear how their life feels is more important than how it looks.
Polly Mertens:And every day is your opportunity to find your awesome.
