The Everyday Awesome Project
The Everyday Awesome Podcast is your mega dose of multivitamins for building your mental muscles, physical body and an empowered life. Your hosts Polly and Sam are on your dream team; lifelong coaches in business, health & fitness and human potential. They are on fire to ignite change in the lives they touch.
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The Everyday Awesome Project
71: "Let Them" Theory with Coach Polly
Come along with Coach Polly this week as she unpacks the popular Mel Robbins "Let Them" Theory! It is a reality check we all need to get- that the moment you stop trying to control other people, that is when you truly regain your personal power. This episode dives deep into Mel's latest book on the "Let Them Theory" - a revolutionary framework for releasing the exhausting grip of control and finding the peace in surrender.
As a self-described "recovering perfectionist with a 20-year long addiction" to control, Coach Polly shares how this concept has transformed her relationships, particularly with her mother. The "Let Them" Theory isn't about indifference - it's about respecting others' autonomy while reclaiming responsibility for our own happiness. When we try to micromanage others, we create friction, anxiety, and disappointment for everyone involved.
Through practical examples and powerful mindset shifts, you'll discover how to pair "let them" with "let me" - allowing others their journey while focusing your energy where it truly matters. Stop wasting precious energy on the uncontrollable, and instead channel it toward what you can influence. Learn to recognize when disappointment signals unmet expectations rather than actual problems.
This episode offers a masterclass in boundary-setting, authentic self-expression, and finding freedom from others' opinions. The surprising truth? When you stop trying to fix everyone else, you create space for genuine connection and personal growth. The wisdom of the Serenity Prayer comes alive in this practical approach to everyday relationships.
Ready to transform your relationship with control? Listen now to discover how surrender might be your most empowering move yet. Your feelings matter more than appearances, and today is your opportunity to find your awesome.
-Coach Polly xoxo
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hey, superstars, welcome Polly here here and no, sam pruitt. It's good to have you guys here for a solo episode and I'm going to be talking to you about a book or a theory that's out maybe you've heard about it's called the let them. So if you haven't heard of it, let them Theory is a book by the author Mel Robbins, and if you haven't heard of her, you maybe have been under a rock for a little bit. But she's been a very active podcaster, public speaker. She had another book called the Five Second Rule years ago. So, anyway, we're just going to jump down into it and if you are triggered by the word control, prepare yourself, because that's what we're gonna be talking about.
Polly Mertens:Because let them theory is all about control or not not lack of control, right, and I'll share some examples of how this has been showing up in my life. So Sam and I always love talking about things that are very topical, so I suggested, I was like I think I'm going to talk about the let them theory because I've been having it and let them letting go. You know people have said it in slightly different ways, but it's just been showing up more and more in my life and I was like, yeah, I want to like a spread this message and then, you know, just be in conversation with you guys and see if you're getting this, if you get something out of it, we'd love to hear from you. You know, as a recovering perfectionist and control freak, you know, with a 20 year addiction, I would say that I've learned this lesson quite a bit. So what I want to share with you is, by the end of this letting them and the theory and I'll go over that is, the act of gaining your power back you think control is what you want. You think you're in control when we do some things and I'll go into it, Um, but it's actually disempowering you, and so the purpose of this is to share with you how you can get your power back, my friend, so all right.
Polly Mertens:So, um, so the let them theory is basically Mel talks about it, how you know, we have those people in our life, um where I say this mostly I don't have children, so you know I'm giving this as a secondhand story, but I see this um really coming into play, um with people who have kids, especially moms who have kids, where you raise these little ones for their whole life and God bless them. When they're teeny, tiny, you're like everything to them and they can barely, you know, eat. Well, you know you're giving them everything. And then they go through life and you're bringing them up and you're, you know, making sure they get to their dentist appointments and get to school on time and get their clothes and their teeth brushed and get to school on time and get their clothes and their teeth brushed and get their homework done and stuff. So you're, you know, you're very involved. Their moms are very involved in kids' lives and helping them stay on track. And then there's, like this tipping point, and I find that if moms that kind of have this need for control or, like this, still trying to control the outcome or the scenario that their kids are in, or they're disappointed because their kids aren't achieving or, you know, doing what they want them to do, it's because they haven't reached that tipping point with their kids. The kids are like, hey, hands off, I got this right. And the moms are still trying to act as if they're six or eight or 10 and need their shoes tied for them and their teeth brushed right. And when we let them fly the coop, they get, you know, more on their own. So the let them theory says, especially, as I was saying, for moms but this applies to me and my mom, so, you know, I raised my hand here it's like let them is letting people do what they're going to do, say what they're going to say and not do what they're not going to do and just let them have their experience of life. Right, and that includes a lot of things. So I wrote I have a bunch of notes that I want to share with you guys, but that's the basis of it, right? So letting them. And first, when I read that, I was like who are you to not let them? I was like, like, like, they need your permission. Each one of us is a whole, complete person. You know we can make our own decisions. Like, if somebody was trying to control you, you'd be like, hey, I got this right, let me, let me do it, let me figure this out on my own. Let me say what I want to say right, so let them. Is the theory. It's like let them. You know, is the theory. It's like let them, you know, do what they want to do. And you know the good news is about this is it's like oh, holy smokes, right.
Polly Mertens:A lot of stress in our lives comes from trying to control people or situations, like getting the perfect outcome or getting it just like this, right, you know it's got to show up, right, but it creates anxiety and disappointment. Right, but it creates anxiety and disappointment, right. So if we're trying to control the outcome, trying to control the person, like you ought to, or shouldn't you, or don't do that, or do what I said, or that's a stupid decision, or whatever, right, who's the one suffering? Right, it's well, probably causing some strife between you and that person because they're like, hey, probably causing some strife between you and that person because they're like, hey, I got this right. So.
Polly Mertens:But a lot of times it's the disappointment that we feel and the anxiety that we feel of like, oh, they're going to do it wrong or they're going to have this bad outcome, or they're going to turn out like terrible kids or turn out like terrible adults when they grow up. But it's like, man, you got to let them do it. And, like I said, you know that's her theory. She calls it let them. But you'll probably hear me say it's like like you can't control them also. So you know.
Polly Mertens:So things like you know if you're, you know, needing people to get back to you, or if you're over planning events or you're trying to, you know, get people to do things at work that they're like they don't work for you and stuff, right, all these things. So anytime you find yourself either like it can show up to in like fear of saying things and fear of doing things. So, like if you're fearful of judgment, right, so let people, you know, judge you right, do the thing anyway, say the thing that you need to say, say what's on your heart, say what's your truth, or post that thing. You know a lot of people don't want to post that because, like, oh, people will. People say, you know, whatever's holding you back right from speaking your truth, speaking up, speaking out. You're being held back by your fear of their control over you.
Polly Mertens:If you will, and anytime we're disappointed in others or frustrated with their decisions, that's us trying to control their outcomes, right, and yeah, granted, I get it Like sometimes those people's lives can have an impact on our life too, right? So some examples with my mom. You know she'll do, or not, do you know, good self-care, or exercise or sleep or whatnot, or taking her medications and whatnot, and it just you know the trickle down of what happens in her life or you know the results that she starts to get does have an impact on my life. So I can understand from the moms or the people or anywhere in your life where you're trying to control the outcome, trying to control the scenario. It's probably, or often you're saying it as because it's going to come back to me. Right, so granted. But most times it's just like let those people do what they're going to do.
Polly Mertens:So our book teaches you how to let go of control and trust more, and I would say the trust is in ourselves and others. Right, like trust yourself, especially on the speaking up and speaking out. Like trust yourself. Like trust that you know have the inner self-confidence and the inner conviction Like this is my truth, yeah, I'm going to speak it, this is how I see it, right. And let other people like let the chips fall where they may, let them say what they want to say, let them judge it, let them, you know, have a counter argument. So be it right, let them. So you can't control people and that's actually a good thing.
Polly Mertens:So when you, when we stop micromanaging people and we let them make their own choices. Guess, guess what? It frees us both up, right, it frees them up, go ahead, do it? Not? Like you know? Like oh yeah, idiot, so yeah, let's see how that goes for you. But like huh, I wonder how this is going to turn out, right? So I do this a lot more with my mom these days. I'm like, oh okay, mom, now let's, yeah, go ahead and do that or not do that and we'll see right, instead of trying to prevent. You know, keep her out of harm's way, or you know bad things happening to her or whatever. It's like. You know, what I have now learned? It's about allowing people to have their journey right, really allowing people to have their journey. It's not my journey. It would be my journey for her. I'd love to see her. You know good things for her and I'm sure most of us.
Polly Mertens:The things that we want to control or the people that we want to help avoid dangers or problems in their life, is because we're well intended. A it's either because it's going to come back on us like something they screw up that we're going to have to fix, or whatnot. But you know, just know that that's their journey going to have to fix or whatnot. But you know, just know that that's their journey, that's their journey, right. And the disappointment that we have is more about our expectations often than the other person's actions, even right, it's like I'm disappointed, you know, I my mom says disappointed to me and I'm just like, yeah, there's some expectations, expectations. So I have let go of the word disappointment in my life.
Polly Mertens:So I have a little lack of connection to this theory and doing this because a long time ago, you know, I remember going through, I had done a little bit in the 12 steps work and that beautiful prayer, you know God, grant me this journey to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Right, that right, there is the let them theory to me, wrapped up in a beautiful big bow and it's got some other things Right, because it's the courage to change the things that you can, knowing what you should and could and ought to act upon Right. The courage to make a difference in that thing, speaking up when it matters, right. But also having the wisdom to know the difference when we shouldn't. So just know, you know, control is this illusion and no matter how much we try to influence people's thoughts or actions. We can only do so much, and so do what you know.
Polly Mertens:I would say there's a fine line between like, hey, you know, oftentimes in coaching or I've learned this as a coach, you know, and again, I haven't been a parent, so it's like, well, would you like some advice on that, or would you like some coaching about that, or would you like some feedback on that? That's asking them permission to do any of those things feedback, advice, coaching, whatever and if they say no, then that's their choice. Right, so you can only do so much. And so you know, we want to be a contribution to people, we want to see them thrive, we want to see them do well.
Polly Mertens:And guess what? We're all on uniquely different paths and journeys that we're supposed to bump into things, like if our nest was totally feathered for the rest of our life, we'd be bored, we wouldn't grow, and that's not why we're here. We are here to grow and bump into things and have breakdowns and breakthroughs, and confusion that creates clarity and, you know, upset that creates certainty, and all this stuff. It's a magnificent dance, magnificent dance. So letting them teaches you about yourself and when you stop trying to fix others, because that's often like what's in the prescription behind that of you know why you're disappointed.
Polly Mertens:You have these expectations, you're trying to fix them and make them this way, and I'm I'm saying you, but I'm speaking it just into my own ears as well right, and I've been doing a lot more of this. I've let myself off the hook, but I'm doing much more in my intimate relationship with my mother, and definitely we can apply this in partnership, right? You know where we have some expectations of them and this and they should, and whatnot. You know it just teaches us where we're out to fix someone and not let them be themselves and not let them be their beautiful selves. So just be aware of that. And you know, setting boundaries may be something that we need to instill. So you might look at you know, do I need to set some boundaries? And that just means saying no without guilt. That's speaking up for yourself, right? That's not, you know, causing this friction with that other person where you, you know you let them get away with things. It's like no, let them think what they're going to think. I'm going to set a boundary like this is this is how it is, so it net.
Polly Mertens:Letting go naturally strengthens your own boundaries, right. It helps you stop doing things out of obligation and start honing your own needs for space your own needs and space right. So I would say when you're wasting energy trying to control the uncontrollable, like people who don't text back or bosses who don't promote you you're just wasting your time right on the uncontrollable. And in that beautiful prayer it's like let me focus on the things that are within my reach, that are within my control, that I have a say of. You know, like oftentimes there's some things that are so big, like people get so frustrated and so upset about the things that are going on in the government. Do what you can and then let the things be out of your hands that you can't control. We can't move, you know major mountains and if you can, then get after it. Like, take those actions that you can, but the rest letting go.
Polly Mertens:So stop trying to control the uncontrollable in your life and noticing the difference. Like noticing the difference, grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change. This is uncontrollable. I can't change this, then I'll let it. But if I can change this thing, then get up to that. Focus your energy on those things. Right, and you know, the idea is for people who feel stuck from trying to gain approval or control outcomes, gaining approval like not speaking up and speaking out. You're, you know, manipulating them, manipulating what you say, what you post, what you share, or you're trying to control the outcomes, and it leads to frustration and burnout. Right, so just be aware of that.
Polly Mertens:And the let them theory encourages you to stop trying to change others. Let them judge you, let them ignore you, let them cancel plans and start focusing your energy where it really matters. Right, your own actions and reactions. Right. So they say this. You let them let them say it. Right, and work on yourself, work on our emotional mastery when those things are said or those actions are taken. Can I let it go? Can I release the control that I thought I had, the illusion anyway? Can I release the control that I thought I had? Let them do what they're going to do so that I feel back at peace in my body, because the more I try to hold on to control my, control, them, or that outcome that I have no control over, I only feel helpless and hopeless at times. Right, so letting them puts the power back in my hands to control the things that I can control my response to that, my reaction to that, my emotional state. When that happens in the now and when, that, when there's an impact on that in the future, so be it. Right.
Polly Mertens:So you know in other ways, like if you're scared to post online for fear of judgment that's part of this right. Let them judge you right. Their opinion doesn't determine your worth. Keep that in mind. Right, and you know, I would challenge you to do one thing today that you've been hesitating to do because of others' opinions. You know, where are you letting other people's opinions or judgments, or fear of being judged or made fun of or whatever?
Polly Mertens:But you're holding something back. You're holding your words, you're holding your self-expression in, you're holding yourself back and I challenge you to say what you mean and mean what you say, to have the courage within you to speak your truth, to speak your truth with compassion, let me add that, because it's just flat out speaking the truth. That'd be a little sensitive there. But speak like, speak your truth, and especially if it's meaningful to you. You know, if it doesn't matter that much, then don't say things that you know it's not going to move the needle on your life or theirs, you know, just let that go. So the antithesis like check this out is the let me principle, right?
Polly Mertens:The other half of this is where you take ownership of your actions instead of saying passive and I love this idea so let me and so let them, and then let me right. So let them ignore you and let me focus on people who value me. Right, let them not promote me and then let me take charge of my own career. Right, I'm back in power. So this, you know. Just look at places where, if you say I let them and now let me, you know what is my work right? Letting go naturally strengthens your boundaries. Instead of focusing on what someone didn't do, focus on what you appreciate about them, right, like, let them. Right. So if you're, stop chasing people who are distant and unreliable, I love that one, I love that one.
Polly Mertens:So I was having that experience with a friend recently where we had a fallout last year and I contacted her several times, tried to make amends, took responsibility for all the things that I could in that conversation, absolutely agreed with what she was having to say, and then she still wanted to kind of make me wrong and hold things against me. All I could offer to her was love and affinity and try to repair amends right. And if that person I've tried to follow up a few times just not returning phone calls, mia, becoming distant, if they're distant or unreliable, no, let them drift right and let me invest in people who appreciate me, right, just because I faltered in one project and we had a, you know, like the people who really are up to what you're up to in life, who really care for you and love you, they know and yeah, we're not all perfect, we're going to make mistakes, we're going to screw it up and if we apologize and we make, you know like to have a good heart and sometimes, depending on the nature of the the breakdown, you know like to have a good heart and sometimes, depending on the nature of the breakdown, you know it might take a while to rebuild. You know big things like infidelity that can wait, that can really crush a relationship. So you've got to rebuild that right. But those people in your life who you're letting you know take the power from you by. You know you're at their mercy, you're at their beck and call. You're over giving and they're not receiving nothing in return if you will. Yeah, no, let them be that way and let you, let me go invest in people who matter, who mean something to us, who make us a priority, make us feel appreciated and important. So, us who make us a priority, make us feel appreciated and important.
Polly Mertens:So, and in decision making, right, well, what the hell, let them be mad or disappointed, right? So let them be mad, let them be disappointed, and let me trust myself and make a call. I know is right, right. So how can you flip that? How can you let them and let me right. So let's say, for motivation, you know, let them wait to feel ready, let them wait to feel ready. Me, I'm going to. Let me take one small step today. Progress matters more than perfection, right? So I will stay motivated even if they're not.
Polly Mertens:So, let's say, an overthinking Let them think what they want to think. And let me take the step anyway. Post it, start it, do it, right. So, if you're overthinking something, let them think what they want to think, let them judge what they're going to, let them say what they're going to say. Right, can't control it anyway, but what you can control is what you do. So take the step anyway, speak it, post it, start it, do that thing right, so get your power back.
Polly Mertens:And that's where I said at the top of this it's like while we think we're in control, and saying let go or let them is like a surrendering right. And so surrender is like surrendering to what's happening, like the nature, like I was saying, like the serenity of prayer is a surrender. It's like the things I cannot control, I let go of trying to control them. The things I can't control, I take my control and my power in acting upon them, so I put the power back in my hands. So I encourage you to think about that. So the act of surrender, the act of letting go, the act of let them, it's re-empowering you to put your power where it belongs and inside your own pocket, inside your own heart, in your own mind, like, like working on what matters to you, not all this stuff that's out in other people's business.
Polly Mertens:And I, I had a lady friend, her son, um, adult son, like 30s, they're in his 30s um, she's like, well, he's not getting a job and he's not making enough money, and he's not this and that. And it's like, yeah, and and the 30s, I'm wondering why you're still mothering. You know, it's like that job ended when they, like, went out on their own. You can be their best advocate and their best support and love them to death. And let them. Let them figure it out. Maybe they don't want the same things that we want, right, maybe they don't see it the same way. Maybe they're not motivated by the same things. Maybe they don't want the same outcomes that we want. Okay, let them. And in doing so, we get to watch and see and you never know. You never know what you're going to learn. So, again, letting them be.
Polly Mertens:It's often teaching us more about ourselves, like, where am I trying to fix something? And if I make space to reflect on my own triggers and the things that that bother me, or my own securities or my own growth, I tell you the let them. It has huge ramifications in terms of like, it's an, it's an imitation to self-awareness and my own healing, where I'm thinking that that needs to be controlled and it's not in my control. Good gosh, let me put my, you know, let me put my power back in my own hands and all the things that I can move the needle on get up to the things that I want to get up, to be with the people that I want to be with and let everybody else do their thing. You know, real joy doesn't come from others changing you know, others being different than we think. It comes from us. It comes from within.
Polly Mertens:Right, when you take responsibility for your own happiness, when I say it's not going to bother me that that doesn't happen, or this person doesn't say that, or I say that and they refute it or dispute it or, you know, judge it or whatnot, it just I feel such more a state of peace and fulfillment because I'm not chasing their approval, I'm not trying to control what I can't control. Right, I feel centered and grounded in myself. So that's what I'm getting out of this. Let them theory and remembering, let me right. I love that flip, that juxtaposition of yeah, let them, and then, all right, what am I up to? What can I get up to? What do I want to? Let me get into.
Polly Mertens:And oftentimes, maybe this, this thing, is showing up in our lives as an opportunity to examine something inside of ourselves that I've been ignoring, that we've been ignoring, and what do I need to be getting up to? Like, what can I control here? What? What is this signaling to me that I need to let go of, I need to be aware of, I need to grow inside me, I need to up level, take action on or stop taking action. It's like, all right, I'm going to stop baiting you or I'm going to stop bothering you or hunting you down, or you know, I'm trying.
Polly Mertens:I was telling someone the other day this person who's kind of gone MIA, I was like you know, it feels like I'm chasing after this person to apologize again. You know, after already apologizing, I just feel like uh-uh, like, if you don't get my apology, get who I am at my core. Yeah, I'm a good person. If something offended or did something wrong and there was nothing egregious, I promise you this was minor stuff. If you will, that's up to them, right, that's what they're dealing with. So and some people just take joy in feeling victim, like her, not getting clear with me on this, this breakdown keeps her in the victim position. She gets to stay in the victim role instead of re-empowered and back into love and affinity in our relationship. So painful to watch.
Polly Mertens:But where in your life are you noticing that you maybe need to look at the let me theory and let go or bring in the let them.
Polly Mertens:So I encourage you.
Polly Mertens:It's a muscle and it comes from awareness, being aware when controlling, feeling judged. So when you're not speaking up, you're not speaking out, or you're reaching out with your words or with your actions to try and control something, or if you ever find yourself frustration and disappointment, those are probably clues that you're not letting something be, that you're not letting something be, and then notice what you can take interest in and let yourself be at cause with, like, get up to something in that. And then what is there maybe to heal? Like, ah, I've been holding on to that judgment about that person, or I've been holding on to that expectation. That's yucky and I'm like where did that even come from or why do I even want that for that person?
Polly Mertens:And I hope what you'll find through this, as I said, is, you know, getting your power back and a lot more peace. So we'd love your comments, suggestions, ideas, stories. If any of this resonated for you and there's something in there for you to share with us, we'd love to hear how you are letting them and letting you get your power back. So, as we always remember, remind you here at the Everyday Awesome Project and shout out to my friend, dear Samantha Pruitt, I miss you. Lovely lady, how your life feels is more important than how it looks, and every day is your opportunity to find your awesome.
