The Everyday Awesome Project
The Everyday Awesome Podcast is your mega dose of multivitamins for building your mental muscles, physical body and an empowered life. Your hosts Polly and Sam are on your dream team; lifelong coaches in business, health & fitness and human potential. They are on fire to ignite change in the lives they touch.
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The Everyday Awesome Project
79: The Lost Art of Friendship
Friendship has become something of an antique in our modern world—a word we rarely use and a connection we struggle to maintain. In this deeply insightful conversation, we explore why authentic friendship may be the most underrated health intervention of our time.
The numbers are shocking: in the 1950s, people spent 25% of their time with friends. Today, that number has plummeted to just 13.8%, while online time has skyrocketed to 60%. This shift directly correlates with skyrocketing rates of loneliness, now recognized as a serious public health crisis linked to cardiovascular disease, dementia, diabetes, immune system suppression, and more. The message is clear—friendship isn't just nice to have, it's essential for survival.
We delve into the concept of "collective joy"—that magical synchronicity that happens when humans connect in person. Our heart rates, breathing patterns, and even brainwaves begin to align, creating a biochemical reaction that digital interaction simply cannot replicate. This explains why friendship feels so good and why its absence leaves us profoundly depleted.
Drawing from research and personal experience, we share practical strategies for reclaiming the art of friendship: creating an "eight-minute rule" for deeper connection, taking initiative rather than waiting for others to reach out, and being intentional about making space for relationships. We discuss the three pillars of "frintimacy" (friendship intimacy): positivity, consistency, and vulnerability—and how each contributes to building connections that sustain us through life's challenges.
Whether your friendship inventory reveals abundance or scarcity, this episode offers a roadmap for strengthening existing connections and creating new ones. Because in a world increasingly dominated by artificial interaction, perhaps the most revolutionary act is simply putting down our phones, stepping outside our doors, and engaging with the humans around us.
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hey, superstars welcome back polly here and sam pruitt what's up, beautiful humans oh, welcome to this episode on the lost art of friendship friendship and it's almost like an antique word when. When you said that, I got this really almost a chill of like not antique in an antiquated way, but like how often do we even use the term anymore and think about it? As a regular part of our lives.
Polly Mertens:Wow, true, like friendship. Like friendship isn't a word, we just say so, and I will find out about, in particular the grandchildren.
Samantha Pruitt:You know, how are they doing? Kind of reporting in either from parents or from, you know, my husband who's the grandfather, or whatever, and I will say how are they doing? And my second question is so how are their friends Like? Are they having friendships, are they hanging out with friends? It is part of my ask when I want to get a full report on how that little human is doing. So I guess I innately know the critical nature of that component of their life and their development and myself as a grown-ass adult woman, right and frankly, everybody, yeah, yeah, Huh. It's really a building block of our lives, these friendships.
Samantha Pruitt:It can't be for the better, good or bad, I mean, we do understand, there's a spectrum here, for sure, and you know why we're talking about this today, why we started.
Polly Mertens:Well, you know what. I sent this to you. I was like we gotta talk about friendship in the next episode. You're like done, that sounds amazing. You know. I was like, yes, so got to talk about friendship in the next episode? You're like done, that sounds amazing. You know. I was like yes, so a couple of things have shown up.
Polly Mertens:So last week a dear friend had a mother pass away and I, you know, jumped on the into action the next day when, you know, took an eight hour train ride, figured that out, you know, in the middle of a busy week and was a priority middle of a busy week and just, was they in a priority? Yeah, right, not just, oh, let me send her a text. And you know, because when someone's going through grief, you know they well, anyway, we did a whole episode on that. So, so there was that. And then I'm out on a hike this weekend and somehow I came upon wonderful, uh, talk between Simon Sinek and Trevor Noah. They're both like really into this conversation about friendship and I was like this is spot on, right, this is spot on because you your love of studying the human and our family our human family, I mean around mental health right.
Samantha Pruitt:Starts mental and physical health, and now they're all linked.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and this friendship thing he's talking about, like this is the last art, Like Simon was saying in this episode about, like we're teaching leadership, we're teaching how to lose weight, get in shape, we're teaching you know how to start a bit, whatever.
Samantha Pruitt:Oh, multi-billion dollar business industries around this teaching of how to succeed or supposedly be a good human, whatever people are calling that these days, which is a whole other conversation. But like, where's the class on how to be a good friend and how to befriend others and how to find friends and how to connect? Where's that? We're teaching that to anybody Anytime soon?
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and he was talking about how. So it was interesting how the two of them this kind of sort of came up. This talk was a chat the two of them had spontaneously put together by the organizer. It wasn't planned in this event or whatever, but they saw a commonality that Noah's been studying this for years and Simon's now on a trajectory of studying this and how each of them is coming at it in a different direction, right, but it's just so such a good conversation to be in and we'll go into a little bit later, like you know, the research and things like that.
Polly Mertens:But you know, we look at this as anything we can do to help people stay connected, feel you know, better in their body, better in their relationships, their health, their emotional state and friendships is a big part of that. Like that isolation and loneliness that causes a downward spiral of you know, health goes bad. They feel you know, and they just kind of get off and spin off the wheels. It's like friends are that thing that can bring you back into your center, right, like no, no, no, no, no.
Samantha Pruitt:Loneliness is really the epidemic of our time. Right, and I believe it started before the pandemic. Everybody wants to blame it on the pandemic. Right, and I believe it started before the pandemic. Everybody wants to blame it on the pandemic. But the pandemic was started way before that, with technology and all the changes in society and you know, things that we think are progress are really the anti progress for real society and humans. But whatever, and then the pandemic happened in. In my opinion it shined a really bright light, or a microscope, if you will, on the real problem because it exasperated all the conditions for said humans globally. Right, they were already emotionally detached and losing the skills of connection and feeling lonely. And then that happened and there was a forced mandate of isolation and loneliness. I mean, how bizarre in a society to think that we forcefully mandated isolation and loneliness.
Samantha Pruitt:And then we came out the other side, of course, and everybody has got a new disease of any kind, because you know we got a lot of different, a lot of diseases going on, a lot of different, a lot of diseases going on. And everybody in the mental health crisis, you know, when catapulting through cyberspace into you know it's really tragic.
Polly Mertens:We laugh about it but it's it's, it's heartbreaking. Yeah, it's not.
Samantha Pruitt:It's not a laughing, it's just like a sad it's the insanity we have to laugh about, because it's insane that we created this.
Polly Mertens:Yeah Well, and you know we can solve to to it, I would say that a lot of this is also going on in the background, like, yes, there was this thing called the pandemic. That was like a big moment in time, but we weren't you and I were talking before we we came on air about this video that I saw. I don't know when I saw this, maybe six months ago or something that I should, that will will rock your freaking world.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, well, I'll link to that and what it basically shows is it's like this chart and it's like every year it shows consider, like a chart with eight bars across how do I want to describe this? X, y axis and there's bars off to the right and that measures a percentage of time that was spent in different categories of your life. So if you had a pie, so like the categories are like time with neighbors, time with church, school, family, at bars, co-workers, friends, that sort of thing, right, and so at the beginning of it in the 50s I think it was 1954 or something they started the study and the top bar 25 percent throughout time was 25% was spent on friends. 25% of your time was with friends and then just below that was family, right At like 15% or something like that. So people were spending about 40% of their life in the fifties connected with friends, family, involved in their, their network, their human connections and relationships, right?
Samantha Pruitt:Cause they were human. They were Because they were humaning. That's what they were doing.
Polly Mertens:They were humaning, Totally totally.
Samantha Pruitt:It was a. Thing.
Polly Mertens:And what this time lapse shows of this bar chart is like every year is like a different slide and it just shows you, oh, how, like I think, through the 80s, what you start to see is the line of co-workers starts to grow right, as more people enter the workforce and spending more time at work, right, so time spent with co-workers started to grow. And then, but 25% in that friend category was like solid and family was still solid. Some other things got moved out, you know, maybe church or bars or whatever, but like it was those.
Polly Mertens:And then this thing called the internet popped up in the 90s and it came out at like zero percent and then it was like three percent and then it made this rise over the last 20-25 years. Right, it's now shot to the top. Yeah, so by the end of it, 2024 is what this slide shows. I'm looking at it. 60 percent of people's time is on line. Friends is now a piddly 13.8%. Even coworkers is 8.4%. So, like families, down to 4% of your time. Like 4% of your time you're with the people that you like, are in family with right Friends 13%, like 60%. I can't even fathom 60 percent of your time is on the Internet.
Samantha Pruitt:It's tragic and even the coworker piece of it, Right. So people used to have relations and work with people. Now they work in a cubicle online next to someone they don't actually know. Isn't that flipping bizarre? I mean honest question to the audience, like if you work in an office setting or in a larger scale organization, do you even know the people who are walking in the building with you? I mean, come on.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, yeah, and people feel like they know the people on their social media and they've never met them. They're complete strangers.
Samantha Pruitt:You and I were talking. I just had this picture. They're complete strangers. You and I were talking, so I just had this picture. They're more connected to Taylor Swift and what she's doing Because she's their bestie Than they are with their bestie.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, yeah, what the hell I was thinking about like this idea. You know, as I opened up, I was just like, oh, let me see social media and across the top are these stories and there like six people's faces in it and I'm like some of them I know closely, like they're friends or whatever, but a lot of them are just influence or whatever. Right, yeah, and they're just there talking or feeding you. Yeah, yeah, like talking at the screen. I'm like if all of these humans and that's just my phone, like all the phones in the world, like all of these humans, we're not talking into a screen with nobody that they know, but like, turn that attention, spend that five minutes that you just spent making that video calling in front, whatever. Like, what are we doing? We're all putting this content out there to nobody and nobody feels connected.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, and you know we'll just add this into the mix.
Samantha Pruitt:If anybody knows who we are like.
Samantha Pruitt:We're coaches out in the world and we have a podcast right, and we're doing these things, and you and I struggle on the regular about, like, how much time should we be online, like either putting content out there or connecting with people, but we feel so strongly that we need to actually be talking live in person with people, having real conversations, and be really advocates and coaches, and you know solution oriented action humans that we really don't spend a lot of time doing the other thing, and maybe, you know, as a business model, people would say, or you know other professional podcasters would ever say well, that's a big downfall for you guys.
Samantha Pruitt:You got to be working on that and we're like, how can we? These humans need us. We've decided to spend time with the humans, so it's tricky in the modern world and in the business world to make it work. Make it work, but a lot of people don't have that need to be online, because they are building a business and must be monetizing their audience in some way. Okay, that's not a big part of the population. They pretend it is, though, and they act and operate like it is.
Polly Mertens:So I think you know what we're seeing is this illusion of connection. Is what we're highlighting, right? It's just this illusion that, oh, on your phone you're connected to these people in this screen, some maybe, or you know, also very connected in your life. But like that's an illusion, you know, it's not real connection. You and I were talking about how you know, when you go into a room and or if you spend time with people, you start to sync up with them, right, like your, your heart rate, your breathing, your whatever. Like you, you create something magical. Something about human to human contact is different, right, and I really think there's a leaning back towards into being in person, more so. So I'm glad to see that.
Samantha Pruitt:But we're in this strange place still, you know so but from a biochemistry, actual, physiological, this is a real thing that occurs with the human being naturally is yeah, you do. You will, in the same room, shared space, sink, heart rates, blood pressure. It's kind of mind-boggling energy and then ultimately, psychologically, you'll start to sync up. You know, brainwaves, thoughts, ideas, a shared harmonized energy, if you will. You know, is what manifests. It's a that's science that's not just you and I going, you know, let is what manifests.
Polly Mertens:It's a that's science, that's not just you and I going. You know, let's all sit around. It's like no document. Yeah, totally, totally yeah. And and I think that's part of the lost art of that friendship, right? Is that sinking that we, our friends, give us? Like I, last night I went over, so my um, so I'll just say my friend Jill was like I hadn't connected with her in a couple of weeks. She and I had been down in LA last month and I was like, oh, hey, I want to have a conversation, like let's talk, cause we're going to, we're going to do something in a couple of weeks. She's like why don't you come over for dinner? And at first I was like, oh, I got to drive, you know, and I was all, what the hell, Drop that story.
Polly Mertens:Like opportunity to be with my friend jill in person. So we had a you know we. I was like, well, this is, this is when I can do it like time, right, like we, but I wasn't on social media or anything else. Like, we sat on the couch we looked at each other, eye and eye. Definitely, our breathing and heart rate were in sync and it was just like that. Yeah, this is a human connection, right? Not something you can't get from a screen and you and somebody to listen to you, right, and let's go into like exactly because what?
Polly Mertens:we're starting to talk about is like okay, so what is true? Friendship?
Samantha Pruitt:right, uh-huh, uh-huh. And what is this magic that we speak of? What is this foreign magic that we speak of?
Polly Mertens:yeah, you know it's, it's not just hanging out like, oh yeah, I went to this party. You know like you can go to a friend's social dinner or something like that, or a meetup or something like that, but like or people who go meet strangers in the bar.
Samantha Pruitt:OK, there's 10 or 20 people in there doing the same thing having a drink, having some food or whatever they're all doing. But like what's the depth of these relationships? And it's a form of connection.
Polly Mertens:So what one of the people we were looking at in you know preparing for this is. She was talking about like there's rings of friendship, you know, or rings of connection, if you will, and so there you go. It was something about like people you know, like not that there's a healthy or unhealthy friendships, whatever, because I think everybody, like some people, have more capacity, like you have a capacity to have a bigger energy and space for just people in your life. I have a feel like a smaller one, or I choose to have a smaller one, whatever you want to say, but there's like there's a core, there's a nucleus of friends right that we pour the most into. We call them for anything.
Polly Mertens:You know those people. It's like if something bulletproof, unconditional bulletproof, yeah, and then you go out from there and then you've got like okay, 12 more like good friends you know, like hangout friends or go to a baseball game together or something like that, and then outward, you know you might have close contacts in the like a hundred range you could have. You probably have like several hundred you know, with all of your people and races and things that you do right, and so it's. I think friendship like that lost art of friendship if we just focus on that core, more and less that outer ring. You know, we focus on those, that core humans and um one of the people that was in that talk with simon cynics, that trevor noah guy, was saying he's like it's, it's a relationship, which means there's some work there, it doesn't just happen.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, he's like we, you know, like he talked all about his friendship circles and how they plan the next play date or whatever they're going to do after that. It's like they don't just leave it to chance, like, oh yeah, see ya, see you next time. You know, like when they leave from a maybe yeah, it's like lock that shit down, especially as you have a full life and you have, you know, especially family, friends, whatever you have going on in your life, that can be quite consuming and if you're not planning for that or looking at that, it can just sort of get fuzzy and dim and then you go. I don't really talk to that person in a while.
Samantha Pruitt:That person in a while. I want to, before we get into this next layer of like actually doing it. One thing that I'm slightly obsessed with, of course, you know, is the interconnectedness of our mental and physical health. So we talked about the mental isolation, et cetera. But so real health conditions, mental and physical health conditions, manifest from loneliness. Mental and physical health conditions manifest from loneliness.
Samantha Pruitt:So when I say loneliness is the new epidemic of our time, I don't mean like it's a pop culture thing and online, even though we obviously are all recognizing that that's a dysfunction we've created, right, that we've allowed to happen to ourselves and to our beyond that, the fallout, if you will, our real life, very, very expensive, expensive on our economy and expensive on our lives, shortening our lives, robbing us of the lives we deserve are a bunch of health outcomes. So let me just read what they are. These are all directly correlated to loneliness and isolation Obesity, cardiovascular disease. So these are proven, scientifically proven. Increased risk, proven risks, outcomes from loneliness and isolation. This is mind boggling, really. Cardiovascular disease, stroke, dementia and cognitive decline. Dementia and cognitive decline make sense. Diabetes, immune system suppression and weakening, inflammation increase and sleep disturbances, which we know all of those things disease states or leading into disease states being outcomes of this should be alarming all of us, and I'm not even talking about depression, anxiety and suicide rates like real mental health outcomes.
Polly Mertens:Well, you know, it reminds me of, like, the flip side of that, the blue zones. You know, these zones where people at right, yes, huge component of that is community connection, friends, whatever you know, like the Okinawans, they, you know, they go to community events and yoga classes and chair you know the hundred year old they're doing chair yoga together and stuff like that In the park.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, they're like out in the park with all their homies and they're all like 90 doing Tai Chi.
Polly Mertens:Italians. You know they have their piazzas, right, you know they have their piazzas, that they're connecting there farmers, mark friends, whatever, whatever family parties you know it's very socially based and get togethers and creating those connections little ones, big ones, one-on-one, whatever it is it's woven into the fabric of their life and that's what we're a stand for and calling for in this episode is like exactly where are you and how are you weaving together the threads of the fabric of your life that, when it's weak, ie without friends, isolated, social media, is your outlet, your friend, right?
Polly Mertens:It's weakening your health, it's weakening your mental. You know that fabric, that structure of your life.
Samantha Pruitt:And I would say that lack of connection to others, human connection, a root cause, is lack of connection to the self. So, like I can't be connected in a powerful way with my purpose and my values inside of my own brain, body, this you know skin bag I'm walking around in when I really have no connectivity to the other humans around me, right, there isn't a shared experience, there isn't a reflection back. I mean, the power of our relationship is that reflection back continuously around shared values, shared purpose, shared mission, shared enthusiasm, shared suffering. Right, dispersing all of these things called the human experience with others allows you to liberate those inside yourself too. Mm-hmm.
Polly Mertens:It reminds me of something that I don't know why. That just triggered something in my mind that from that talk, trevor had said he says well, you know, sometimes when I get lost or I don't know something, or I'm in like the darkest days, or something like that, he says, you know, I'll pick up the phone and I'll call a friend. And one thing that he says I hear that is so refreshing, liberating is well, the Trevor, I know, would right, like they know each other so well they can speak it back. Like you know, if I'm having it back, yeah, like you were talking about it, it's like, like it's that, that mirroring, right? It's like like, if I call you and I'm like, oh damn, you know, I'm just, I'm in it, I'm trapped in this old mindset, whatever. And you're like, well, you know.
Polly Mertens:And he said that the Trevor that I know would this, or does this, or looks at the world this way, and that's where he gave this graphic of like, like we break ourselves apart when we're little and then we give a piece of it to each of our friends and they get a little bit different piece of us, right, you know? And and how they reflect it back to us. It's just, it's a it's and it. You know what friendship isn't something you can touch, like there's no touching, there's no buying and having it in your like you can't park it on your wall or in your garage or in your bed or something it's like. It's this thing that's created in conversation and listening and speaking and time together and built. You know that built connection.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, and it's not an award that you put on your shelf. That you did one time you know how many times you can, I'm sure, relate to this Like follower right Like oh, I've got 3,000 followers or 300,000 followers.
Samantha Pruitt:Like okay that we hear and see. You know, we work with leaders, professionals, business owners, you know humans of all types. And then also I hear and I'm sure you do too, like, hey, when I was in school or in college, you know, this is what my life looked like. Or in my young professional career, you know, I had all these circles, I did all these things. I was just like you know.
Samantha Pruitt:But they speak of it like in historical context, like never to happen, and then it went on the shelf, under the dusty bookshelf I don't know, as if that was a part of them that's no longer alive and real. I'm like, where are those people now? Hey, first of all, that's who you are innately. You want to be that person. You love that. That made you feel good. Good, if it lights you up, then it's going to light you up now. Um, and then did you think they just all disappeared? I mean, you just can't find them anymore. And, by the way, if you can't, because maybe some of them have disappeared, that does happen. They've moved on in life, right, or whatever um, find new ones. Okay, find new ones. You really liked Fred and Jim and Jack, because you all, like, loved classic cars. And so now go find Fran, mary and Polly, who like classic cars, whatever Like. If it's a thing, whatever makes you feel connected to others, where you really feel like lit up, use that as a guide.
Polly Mertens:Totally, totally. I dig it so good, so good. Well, let's talk about a couple other concepts I want to introduce here that I'd love for us to. Dialogue is so Simon Sinek, if you don't know him, he's awesome, love his work on leadership and a lot of things, but he's been really deep in friendship in recent. So he says he told a story about creating an eight minute. He calls it an eight minute rule.
Polly Mertens:So the story is that he had a dear friend who, um, you know he's having a conversation with and last week they had had something. He's like, they're like, yeah, something really whatever bad happened last week. And he's like why didn't you call me? And she's like or she's like well, I texted you, right, and he looked at his text and it said like, do you want to come over? Or you know, come? It's like kind of like a hangout, like do you want to hang out or whatever. And he was like well, it seemed kind of minor. So he just said, well, not right now.
Polly Mertens:This, and that, whatever he goes, but if I had known what was going on exactly, I would have been there and dropped everything. I would have been there in a heartbeat, right. And so he said I can't have this going forward, you know, and if it's a vulnerability thing like what is our trigger, what is our signal to each other that I need you Right? And sometimes we get vulnerable in saying hey, I need you Right. So they have this thing called an eight minute, like an eight minute conversation. They're like do you have eight minutes? And that's like okay, like sit up a little bit, wait. Somebody has like it's time to connect with a friend right, yeah, they're putting a flag in the air.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and how do we respond to that? You know and sometimes people respond to that and sometimes you sometimes you as a friend, especially the the longer you've built the friendship, the relationship, like last week, as I was um reflecting on friendships in my life, I had a friend whose mom passed away and we didn't episode things that we got out of that, um, you know, and and if I wasn't self-aware enough I could have said, oh, I, you know she, she was very light on communication, like you know like mom, she's in the grief, pain, cave, yeah, and if you're not giving me fucking paying attention, you just go.
Polly Mertens:oh, she just wants some time. Oh, she just, you know, needs to like go in a little corner and cry for a little bit. And I was like, uh-uh, how would I feel Exactly? What would, what would and what would I most want?
Polly Mertens:And I'm, you know, when we're not in the grief or out of the grief, we can relate to that Like what would that grief feel like, even if you haven't grieved someone or lost something that severe?
Polly Mertens:It's like I would want my friends around me, you know, I would want someone to talk, yeah, so I's like get in action, even if you know and there's no asking, it wasn't like she'd say, hey, can you come see me? I could really, you know. So, having that greater awareness and that's those, those building blocks of friendship, right, you know that are built over time, months, years, decades, right, that create that web of connection where you know, know them, they know you, they know they can count on you, they know how you're going to be, what you're going to say in these situations from an enlivening perspective, not a you know you're not going to, you're probably not going to be friends with people that oh, I know what they're going to say Like they're going to talk you down or beat you up or ridicule you or something like that. Those are probably not your friends. Don't be having them friends, right.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, if people make you feel worse, then you might want to examine that relationship and question if they're worthy of the F word friends. So that's a whole other thing. Clean house. But the people who are true blue right that you could have built these relationships over time or it could literally be somebody I just started working with on a project this month that I know a little bit, but the energy is good and I feel a sense of connection. I feel a shared value, system, purpose, mission, whatever right Like that could be really somebody to lean on in those moments, you know.
Polly Mertens:So think about that. Maybe there's some people in your life that your, your threads of connection are very thin right now and they might have those moments where they could really use you but they don't feel comfortable and being vulnerable or ask you know, doing that outreach and whatnot. So maybe have an eight minute rule with those people in your life. So, or eight minute conversation, kind of like do you have eight minutes so that you know when they're having trouble saying I need you, they can say something that doesn't sound so like needy Because that's how I look at that. I go, oh well, it doesn't sound like you have eight minutes. It's kind of like you know, can we talk for a little bit instead of I really need to talk.
Samantha Pruitt:So I was looking up this term called collective joy Sorry to interrupt, and I love that it was around mental and physical health through um movement groups and the term is that's utilized as collective joy, but it's we're moving together, right. So we're energetically moving our energy, we're moving in a collective unit, shared energy. It's upbeat, it's positive, no one even needs to say a word. It could be a fricking spin class, it could be, you know, a master swim, it could be a bike ride, whatever the hell, it is right, a group run or something like that. But that um, collective joy is literally coming into our cellular being and changing our body chemistry, our brain chemistry.
Samantha Pruitt:And so, if you think about that from a friendship vantage point, you know when you and I and a couple other of our female friends get together and are doing something together, either we're hanging out or we're going on a trip, or we're doing a run. It's off the chain and I don't mean we're like party animal, crazy people. The amount of energy that's generated through this shared experience is collective joy. Come on, that's the new crack, that's the new freaking. You know Instagram Like that feeling. Talk about dopamine, talk about all the feel goods coming together.
Samantha Pruitt:I love that Talk about all the feel goods coming together and if you think about how few times in the course of a year, nevermind a lifetime people do these things, it needs to be a higher priority for all of us, I mean you and I know it to be true, but everybody needs this.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, I mean, we need to shrink that 60% social media or, you know, online, whatever you want to call it. We've got to shrink that bar down and we got to grow the friendship bar, like we got to grow back our muscles and our time and investing in friends, even if it's a phone. You know, like I even think like how much until I'm in this. You know I'm in this team management leadership program. Yeah, you see, is my phone is like video and texting, and now it it's like it's a freaking phone, like it's a phone more than anything. You know I'm not online looking at social media. I'm not barely texting, because it's a communications program. It's all about conversations and communication.
Polly Mertens:So I'm on the phone all the time. I'm like wow, when I first did the first class this is a little funny story when I did the first class in February of 2025, you know they're like this is a communication course, you're going to be in communication. So it was a Saturday, sunday I think, and so I was like on the breaks I was calling people. You know they're encouraging, you know, talk to this person and to have a conversation about that and have a conversation about this I'm talking to. I was like so exhausted. Monday I was like I'm having a communication hangover right now. I've been talking to so many people and now I've got bigger muscles like I'm in conversations all day long, but it doesn't feel so exhausting. It's like I've got that.
Samantha Pruitt:It's like that's the capacity thing that you touched on earlier and you said, referencing me I have a big capacity for these circles. You know different sizes of circles, of humans or whatever um, it is. The more you use these muscles, the bigger the capacity you build. You have to make space clear the decks is the term we use for developing this capacity. So, for example, if we dropped you into that comms class for 48 hours is you know that's an intensive scenario there but we didn't clear the deck in your life making space, time, energy, awareness, capacity to be in, that it would not have worked. You would have drowned, it would have caused lots of angst and stress and overloaded you, right? It's the same thing when somebody tries something new with their diet or their exercise program or their work life or whatever right, like if you don't have the capacity and you're just piling on top of piling.
Samantha Pruitt:So what we're not saying to people here in terms of this friendship conversation is okay, you already have a very busy life, right? So you got work and you got your family and you got whatever. All your things are like, your plate is really really full and we're saying go out and make friends, go out to this week and meet five new people and they're going. What the hell, you know? They can barely even. That's not going to work there. They have to look at their life, like with this chart that you utilized.
Samantha Pruitt:With how much time on social media? Nowadays, 60% of people's time. You have to look at your day and your week and, ideally, your life. But let's just start small day and week. And how much time am I spending on other things that are not adding value to my life? They're not improving my mental health, my physical health. They're not adding value. Mental health, my physical health, they're not adding value. Bye, bye, okay, because when we talk about curating or taking friendships to the next level or curating new friendships need space, need energy, need capacity. So clear away some of that shit. That's wasting your time.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, you know. So that's a great segue into this talk. There's a gal out there, shasta Nelson. I don't know her super well, but she has a topic called the three pillars of frintimacy. Intimacy, you know frintimacy, so it's positivity, consistency and vulnerability. So positivity, friendship should generally feel good and uplifting, right. Your friends make you a better person. They're a joy to be around.
Samantha Pruitt:Wait a minute. Let's just say that again in case people are terribly confused, because, especially with my younger people that I coach, there seems to be some confusion around who their friends are. Do they make you a better person? It's the first question I ask. Well, is this person making you a better person?
Polly Mertens:No, and that's lazy trimming of friends.
Polly Mertens:I would say right, you know yeah, exactly, you just like, oh, these are the people I've always hung around with and you start growing, or you start going in a new direction with your life, or you've got more energy or more capacity that you're creating out of something that's inspiring you and you're got this anchor called the people that know you from the past, or they're stuck in the past and you're stuck with. You know you're keeping a part of you with them and it's like clip clip, clip, clip. You know trimming, trimming those. Yeah, so friendships should generally feel good and be uplifting All right, there's a should in there. But like the purpose of friendships is to be uplifting All right, there's a should in there. But like the purpose of friendships is to be uplifting and positive in your life, consistency show up regularly. Shared experiences built shared experiences, build history and trust. Right, it's like good times together, bad times together, right, any times together.
Polly Mertens:Like I texted my friend after I left and she's like oh, thanks for being here. Well, as you know she was, she had the low capacity, right, and I was like I would be with you in bad mood. I would be with you in a good mood. I would be with you when you're messy, I would be with you when you're totally on fire. I said I would be with you anytime. I said, cause that's what friends do.
Polly Mertens:A hundred percent A thousand, a thousand percent, any of it, any of it Right, and the ones that are fragile about that, like fragile as in, you're having a bad day, like you know, or you know you're going through a period or whatever. You know, like I had this woman that I was talking to and she heard her daughter committed suicide about eight years ago and she said, when her daughter committed suicide, she like blocked out the world, like cut everyone out right, went into this huge pit of this, you know, yeah, dark space. And so she's come up eight years later. I don't know the exact story of all the months or years or whatever, but she's in my communications program and she's like wanting to reconnect with people. And there's a woman that she's trying to connect with that won't answer her message. And it was like well, you know. So what's going, what's the dynamic there?
Polly Mertens:A, you cut someone out of your life that obviously felt like they were a part of your life, so there's going to be some hurt or something to rebuild. And she didn't even know why she's like, why won't she answer my call? I don't understand why. And it's like well, you know. And then the second story is well, someone who's a true friend. If that friend, you know, says I can't, I can't take it right now Like I need to like wall off and just be with myself. Gosh, give them as much time as they need, right.
Polly Mertens:But, be there, right there, whenever they're ready, like you know, and be kind of gently reaching in.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, gently reaching in, like you know. So, like my friend I, I knew last week, when I was with her in person to be there in person, like I knew she wasn't going to have capacity to text everyone updates every day. You know, this isn't just like, oh, you know, I'm training for a marathon. It's hard, but this is grief. This is a whole next level, right. So I was like I got to get up in there if I want to support her and be with her and let her be seen and felt. And then I knew, as I left, the communications would be limited. But you know, a few days later I just sent a message in I'm thinking of you, right, like no high demand, like give me an update. You know, just thinking of you, right exactly, exactly, so and so consistency and invulnerability.
Polly Mertens:So it's incrementally reveal more of yourself and feeling known and seen. It's like peeling away parts of you that you're afraid to share with someone. The deepest bad good, whatever it is that these are the people that will love you unconditionally as best they can. We're humans and we're imperfect, but imperfectly unconditional love is what true friendship, I think, is about.
Samantha Pruitt:Exactly, and you should have multiples of these.
Samantha Pruitt:One of the things you and I talked about is that your partner or your parent or your child or your spouse or whatever, should not be your one and only primary source of this reflection, connectivity, shared experience, shared values, et cetera.
Samantha Pruitt:It's not one person's responsibility in the world to carry you through the world or be all things for you, be all things for you, and that's why it's imperative when you're raising young humans, that you help them a learn how to be a friend, learn how to find friends, learn how to keep friendships and navigate the ups and downs of life. This is while you're a little human in the world, right, and then into junior high, high school, adulting, like the same thing. You have to be mirroring this, mirroring this for your young ones. And then, when you are adulting in the world and you're looking for a partner or a relationship or whatever, don't be relying all of a sudden all of that, those needs and that balance and that health that you need for yourself. Putting into one person is their primary responsibility is to take care of that for you. It's totally insane.
Polly Mertens:I'm still learning this one. I have room to grow on this one too. You know, I get into an intimate relationship and that becomes my world Right, and I still have friends, but doing it differently in the future for sure. I see growth in myself and it's like that person can't give me 90% of what I need, like you know, and I'm like I think, yeah, so you're so right.
Samantha Pruitt:I think that whole term soulmate or whatever the hell the terms are these days it's like what in the hell. Is that All?
Samantha Pruitt:right, so you know, yeah, find lots of friends, spread the love, right, because each of these friends, it's reminding me of the art you have behind you, okay, so the amount of colors in that, that's all the friends, right? Like each of those colors and shades is a different dimension and it adds to the richness of your life. And then the way you contribute out into the world and add to the richness of other people's lives, like it's incredibly powerful when life is really challenging. Like being able to lean on the different colors of that friendship rainbow is just like incredibly lovely and healing you know True, true, true, true, and expect it to be.
Polly Mertens:You know like friendships are built. They're not just magically, they keep going. You know like they require muscles, they get more and more isolated and they're like lonely and I'm like, well, wait, you know, you, you're the one that could do something about this, right, Like, like it does take creating and nurturing and being in touch, and maybe it just is an art that not everybody quite gets right.
Samantha Pruitt:Well, it's a skill, it's a muscle, like you were saying. It needs to be developed. You know, it can be developed at any time, even old people, like you see couples that are old and one partner dies and they're, you know, 80, 90, whatever. He's there and they go into a home and now they're in this home environment, assisted living or whatever the dynamic is, and they're in their room, isolated, and meanwhile they live in a home and there's a hundred people if they would go outside the door and look down the hallway, you know a hundred billion of us here.
Polly Mertens:There's eight billion of us here. You can find a few friends like right that, like the, the. You know. I look at this, the chart, with the 60 percent of it on social media. I'm like there are eight billion people. There's probably a few hundred just right within you know. Know, a five minute drive of you If you just start looking. And you know, and some of this too is if you don't have it, like some people are, like I don't know how to make friends. You know, start doing the things you enjoy right.
Samantha Pruitt:Book club, join any.
Polly Mertens:Hiking golfing.
Samantha Pruitt:First of all, get off the freaking sofa and put the phone down. Yeah, those are third walk out your damn door. Okay, Literally you walk around your block quite a bit. I walk sometimes or run in my neighborhood. I always meet people like it literally just get the hell out.
Polly Mertens:Well, I want you to talk about so you're. So there's, there's two. There's friendly and friends right, being's friendly and friends, right, being a friend and friendly right, you are super good at being friendly. Like you'll talk to anybody, like you want to talk to anybody, yeah, and I think that's a part of it, right? So it's having an inclination and like an open invitation for the world that you want to talk to people like you are when you go out in the world. You're like that. You want to talk to people like you are when you go out in the world. You're like I'm, I would like to talk to people. You're not forcing it, you know, and you have your days. I mean, there's times where you're like you know, I'm on a mission, you know, like you went to I have earbud in moments.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, they've made the hell alone. I used to have more of them when I was, you know, suffering more physically and mentally, emotionally. I do have a great compassion for those times and understanding that that's a real thing. But then slowly you have to break the cycle of that Interesting, comparing friendliness to friends and developing friendships. So, like yesterday, for example, you know, I go to this CrossFit and I'm going at a different time. It's 115 degrees right now. So there's, I'm meeting different people than I normally would work out with and a lot of my crew are snowbirds and they leave for the summer anyway. And there was a female in there I'd never seen before in the gym, ever. You know I've been going there for a long time and she looks about my age and you know we're doing the work. So right away I was like who's that? So I have an immediate curiosity who is that?
Polly Mertens:So I have an immediate curiosity who is she See? Now? That's it. That's what I'm talking about. I'm going to make eye contact. Did she see me?
Samantha Pruitt:And it was kind of like there's a little awkwardness You're in CrossFit, there's a you know the whole thing that goes on there. So I just said like hi, or like in some kind of acknowledgement, whatever my thing was. But then we did the workout. Okay, so the shared experience, this collective joy experience I'm telling you, this is fricking magic of us doing this workout together, even though we're all doing our own thing, running and running and lift this and all the intensity or whatever.
Samantha Pruitt:And so her and I were running at basically the same pace. I was chasing her, to be honest, because I was like, oh hell, no, hell, no. And for some reason I was chasing her, to be honest, because I was like, oh hell, no, hell, no. And for some reason I was very fired up yesterday and it's 90 degrees and we're running sprints outside and I'm like chasing her I don't even know her, who she is, but not in a competitive way. I just felt this like thing like yeah, who is this crusher, this 50 plus crusher? Who the hell? Yeah, right.
Samantha Pruitt:And so then, when the workout was over, of course, I went over, introduced myself and I was like, hey, when do you normally come? Do you normally come? Oh no, I normally come at night. You know I'm a single mom, I have a 10 year old kid. I have to come at night or whatever. I was like, well, this was fun, like we got to do this again, right, so just putting out the like, I see you, you know I was cheering her on, she was cheering me on. We had this cohesiveness, like there's a shared something there. So I took nothing and built something very quickly rapport, et cetera by just making a damn effort. Now she could become one of my once a week coffee dates or go on a trail run or whatever, or she could become nothing but somebody else at the gym. That I feel a sense of shared mission.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and a little spark. You know, like, and it's like you know you never know where a friendly moment could lead to a friendship, right, like, okay, right, and we, and so often, like I know you know I was at an unnamed gym but a low cost gym and I would go in there and I would just like put the headphones in and get in and work out and leave, right Like I wasn't. So there's different experience. You know I was like I'm not here to make friends, I'm here whatever, and that was me though, you know, but I appreciate what you do there. Everybody's doing different things. You know, like I was more in like functional, like how I worked out and a lot of people are in that gym were very traditional, like gold's gym kind of vibe or whatever. So I was like man, these aren't quite the the jam or whatever, but you know me at gymnasia, which I love to go to, and it's like talk about shared experience today there's like this small one.
Polly Mertens:You know, this was kind of funny, as you were saying, like getting into that groove. So this morning, uh, summer just started for a lot of people as we're recording this, so families are gone and you know. So I was talking to the coach, so there's a coach and there's, I want to say, maybe there could be at most 10 people in a class, I'm not quite sure, but it feels intimate, but not too big.
Polly Mertens:And today there was a coach and me and one other person right and I was like you know cause it's like right after everybody gets out and goes and does things and it's warming up and some people are doing a little bit later in the day, so people that are still going to that gym, things have shifted, Anyway. So it's the three of us and coach was like well, I'm going to jump in and work out with you guys. I was like, well, this is fun, you know. And so there's just one part we were doing. It was on a yoga mat. Part of it was like a down dog move, and then you get on your heels and then you kind of like arch over the side of you, you know. So you like kind of arch over the back of you and you just do this repetitively, nine on one side, and so it just keeps going. You know, reach over you down dog, reach over you down. You know it's got this rhythmic thing which is very Synchronicity Like, which is very Synchronicity Like all of a sudden.
Polly Mertens:I can just notice he's, you know, my coach is sitting away from me and I said this to him and I said I said this is so funny. I said, coach, do you know those like underwater dancers, like the synchronistic dancer? I go, I feel like we're in this underwater dance right now and I go and I want to just do this head thing, you know, because they all do the head thing. And he laughed. It's funny. You know, like we, I just could feel like we touched the mat at the same time, our legs went up at the same time, we reached over and it was, and I could really like just feel like this connection, not like we were touching. But you know, collective joy is the term.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, it was really sweet. And it's coming through movement, yeah, and it's coming through shared experience and like the person next to you could be really flexible, you could be totally inflexible. It doesn't matter and it doesn't have to just happen in exercise, right, it happens everywhere. The coffee shop I'm in a shared collective joy opportunity in the coffee shop. Why? Because we're all like, yes, oh my God, yes, we drove here from wherever the hell we, we stopped our day, we drove here, we paid the $10 to get the drink. What in the hell are we doing? Yeah, but having a moment together. Having a moment together, deep appreciation for the quality of this product, deep appreciation for this beautiful space they've created, for the energy that is cultivated in there and for the fact that we have this moment right now.
Polly Mertens:And that's. But that's your creation. I want to point that out.
Samantha Pruitt:So that's you creating a space, creating a paradigm, creating in the background all of that and walking in with that perspective, because I guarantee you some of those yeah, some of those people are walking in like this is too early, I'm so busy Like I do occasionally see those people and I think to myself silently yeah Well, so I'll be coming to the wrong coffee shop. Okay, you meant to go to Starbucks down the street because literally, they come in and they're like give me the thing, and then they're standing over the barista. This is not this how this space works at all. He is crap. There is master craftsmanship going on. They're standing over like hurry up, hurry up, hurry up, I've got to have my drink. I got to get back to. They're on their phone and I'm like, oh, you're confused.
Polly Mertens:You'd be in the wrong. This is an experience, yeah, which is so, because you like to go to those places. You know it's like, okay, we're getting off topic, but I was we gotta all right, reeling us back in all right, here's what.
Samantha Pruitt:Here's what our conclusion is. What though?
Polly Mertens:well, so reclaiming the art, so what to do for your friendship? So it's take initiative, right, like don't wait for that person to reach out, like do something. Right, let's practice those's. Practice those eight minute check-ins, that eight minute rule. Like, like you know, have that as a space that you guys share and then talk to that person. Be a better listener, right, like we could all use a lot of just like, shut the hell up and listen, and it's consistent, showing up consistently, even small conversations over time. Don't let those gaps get so big that it's like I wonder what she's doing, right, and don't? This is one positive thing.
Samantha Pruitt:This is one positive thing about the damn phone, so I'll just throw in so there is some positive, because I do use the phone frequently to send little nuggets to people, because I don't have an hour for a conversation, so most of my conversations can be quite long, so I don't have an hour or whatever. I'm in the middle of whatever the thing is, but I still. That person came into my thoughts, they came into my heart in some way, shape or form and I want to touch them and rather than me saying well, I'll wait till I have time next week to call them, I go nope, texting, sally, thinking about you right now. Send a fun little bitmoji, whatever the hell, and call it. But Sally knows, oh, my God, I'm on.
Samantha Pruitt:Sam's heart.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, yeah, and audio too, whatever, yeah.
Samantha Pruitt:Or audio.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and we didn't even get to the whole thing about like anti-addiction, you know which?
Samantha Pruitt:is oh.
Polly Mertens:I think we need to. You have to say it, so okay, well let's see if we can like.
Samantha Pruitt:so there was like you're an addiction expert, yeah.
Polly Mertens:So there was a study that was done. I want to say it was in the fifties I'd have the dates wrong, so whatever. But there was a study where they took lab rats, put them in little cages and no outside anything except for a water bottle, and it had like a sugar water, right, and I can't remember if they had a hamster wheel, but let's say it was limited, right. And so they do this study and what their conclusion was is rats become addicted, you know, if you give them sugar water though, oh, it was water or sugar water. There was two kinds they could choose regular water or sugar water, and they became addicted to the sugar water and so more of them did that. So, fast forward. I want to say it was the 70s or 80s.
Polly Mertens:Somebody said I think there's a flaw here in this. You know, like the whole study may be flawed. So they redid it, took mice not into the little cages and isolated themselves. Because he's like I think the isolation could be causing this addiction. Right, put them in like rat candy land, right, like it's like a natural setting, and they've got friends and they've got things to do and toys, hamster wheels, they can have sex, they can eat good food whatever. And they put water and sugar water and, yes, in the beginning some of them were doing more of the sugar water, but guess what? None of them became addicted.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, they all very quickly just started to rely on each other, and it was just nourishing themselves with the food and the water.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and they went to water, yeah, so they didn't need that artificial hit hit hit, hit, hit. So right now we've got this artificial sweetener in our life called social media. That's taking up 60% of people's lives and times. That's like fast food for the body, fast food for the brain small, quick, hit, emptiness, loneliness, you know, obesity, right, all these other downhill.
Polly Mertens:And the craving for other addictions and other addiction addiction oriented tendencies, loneliness leading to more loneliness, more you know things like that. So it's like, okay, just remove the the crack. You know it's like loneliness the isolation shift your focus back to friends.
Polly Mertens:Friendship like, grow that bar, grow that space in your life that you've got 20% of your life is back in connection, human connection. Phone calls, not just simple text, but like being with people, friends, family, shared time, shared experiences, even a conversation. You know, and like I, like you, like I love to have a wonderful, rich, long conversation with somebody. But I'll even just have a five, 10 minute catch up. I'm like, hey, you know, do you have 10 minutes? I'm just, you know, not this eight minute, I'm in trouble, you know, or I really need something. But like, can we have a quickie catch up? I would love to hear how you are, instead of like 90 days goes by and then you wait for that time when you have an hour. Yeah, Small and consistent. So, some homework. Try the eight minute conversations, you know. Set up that rule with your friends.
Polly Mertens:Um, maybe taking your friendship inventory what are the people in your life that are your core? Three to five, right, Take an inventory. And then how are you doing on keeping that web alive, those relationships alive, those connections? If there's something missing, what can you do? What would that look like? Not just a text, Is it a phone call. Maybe you know. Call five friends over the next five weeks or.
Samantha Pruitt:And if you take inventory and it's sparse start developing all the circles and it might be easier to develop the outside circle, first the friendly circle, and then tightening it into friendships, the. You know, I meet somebody at the gym. I whatever the scenario to like hey, maybe a month from now. Like, do you want to have coffee? Hey, are you interested in doing something outside of the gym? I noticed you're a damn good runner. I suck at running. You want to go running? Sounds fun, let's go. Like whatever you know, like figure it out.
Polly Mertens:Plant a seed, yeah Fine. You know, if you find that your list is two or three and you'd like it to be five or six, or you know some friendships you know have pruned away for whatever reason, you know, plant a seed, like you said, start to look at those and I think, looking at it with you. Know, I, I think a lot of people, when they get into that zone of wanting an intimate partner, they're like oh okay, you know, I'm on the hunt. I'm on the hunt for a man or a woman or whatever, or someone, someone to be with, right, and we don't think about that with friends. Like, I'm looking for friendship. Like I remember Jill my friend now bless her heart. This was almost 25 years ago. I went to a women's business event that was like a luncheon. She was the speaker. This is the first time I'd ever been to this woman's luncheon. She was the speaker, did all this talk about her business and at the end she said I'm new in this area. I'm looking for friends.
Polly Mertens:If anybody would like to, that's awesome, I would have a talk to each other for 25 years, almost now, like I would have said she literally did a solicitation Balls.
Samantha Pruitt:I freaking love that she's not so good.
Polly Mertens:She's like anybody wants to be friends with me. What if a moment is like you seem great, I'd love to talk to you, so good, whatever, it doesn't have to be that, you know, doesn't have to look like that, but just like we talked about something in the background, right, like something in the background, like when you have that in the background. If you have in the background, I want an intimate partner in my life, you will start to take actions aligned with that. You will join a chat group, you will go on some hikes with single people, whatever. You will just be looking, your eyes are out, looking for it. If you say in the background is I'd like to have some real rich, you know yummy friends that know how to be vulnerable and get me and I can get them, or they're up to this, or to travel the world with, or whatever it is Right. So like, have that in the background of, like something that you're up to right now, yeah, exactly.
Samantha Pruitt:So I love it.
Polly Mertens:All right. So human connection is a fundamental human need, as you have said and it's a right and need, as you have said, and it's a right yeah, that's even better way of saying it it's a right and you and use that muscle, like, like, utilize that right, you do you know the gun show baby get the gun show. Baby friendships can fix a lot of these woes that we have the health ills, the loneliness, all that stuff. So what's our, what's our one one thing, what's your one thing to share with them?
Samantha Pruitt:well, mine's three. Right, it's get off the sofa, put the phone down and walk out the door. Okay, so there's that. Take action, I guess, is the one thing, but it's a three-step I think mine would be um, yeah, be intentional with those friends.
Polly Mertens:Don't just leave it to chance, right, like care about those people and have them on your list, not just like oh, when I when it, when it can happen, but like be intentional about it. I love this topic my dear. I would love to see us talking about this again in the future. So so, all right, we're going to have friend circles.
Samantha Pruitt:That's what I just got. I was like, oh, we're just going to build a friend circle now, okay, I dig it and we're going to put up a sign. We're looking for friends.
Polly Mertens:Like-mindedness here, you know.
Samantha Pruitt:Exactly.
Polly Mertens:All right, my dear. What do you want to let our beautiful humans know?
Samantha Pruitt:All right, my dear what do you want to let our beautiful humans know? Oh, how your life feels is more important than how it looks.
Polly Mertens:And every day is your opportunity to find your awesome.
