The Everyday Awesome Project
The Everyday Awesome Podcast is your mega dose of multivitamins for building your mental muscles, physical body and an empowered life. Your hosts Polly and Sam are on your dream team; lifelong coaches in business, health & fitness and human potential. They are on fire to ignite change in the lives they touch.
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The Everyday Awesome Project
83: The Self Improvement Paradox | From Self-Improvement to Self-Trust
Have you ever found yourself trapped in an endless cycle of self-improvement, always chasing the next fix for something you believe is broken within you? That's the self-improvement paradox – the continuous need to improve ourselves to the point where it's no longer healthy.
In this thought-provoking conversation, we dive deep into how society bombards us with messages about maximizing our potential, optimizing our lives, and fixing what's "wrong" with us. We explore how these external pressures can lead us down paths of improvement that aren't truly serving us, coming from a place of lack rather than abundance. From anti-aging protocols to career optimization, we examine how the self-improvement industry often keeps us in a state of perpetual inadequacy.
But there's a liberating alternative: true self-acceptance. We discuss the transformative power of understanding that you're already whole and complete. This doesn't mean stagnation – rather, it means approaching growth from a foundation of self-love instead of self-criticism. We share personal stories about body image, CrossFit experiences, and the freedom that comes from performing without judgment.
The key question we encourage you to ask yourself: "Is this serving me? Is this healthy for me?" When growth efforts align with your core values – what we call your internal compass – they become expressions of your authentic self rather than responses to external pressure. We offer practical guidance for breaking free from the paradox: focus on one area at a time, define clear beginnings and endings for your improvement projects, and recognize that growth isn't constant or linear.
Whether you're questioning your latest diet, career goal, or self-improvement kick, this episode offers a refreshing perspective on personal growth that celebrates who you already are. Because true vitality doesn't come from endless fixing – it comes from a foundation of enoughness.
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hey superstars.
Samantha Pruitt:Welcome back polly here. Sam pruitt in the house. What's up, beautiful humans?
Polly Mertens:all right. Well, we, we were just giggling before we started, so what we're talking about today, we'll introduce it. She's already dancing in the screen the self-improvement paradox the, just the word paradox is hilarious to me but it's so appropriate for this self-improvement paradox yeah, yeah.
Polly Mertens:Well, first thing, I just want to say so, like before, right before we click, like, okay, let's record this. We were talking and it was like you're like let's just know that we're awesome. I'm like we don't, we already have self-acceptance, right, exactly, yeah, right, and I love, I'm like I love hanging out with a Leo, because she's always like, yes, I'm great.
Samantha Pruitt:I mean, it's not, it's so interesting. Well, we'll get into it. What? Let's start for the listener. Before we go into a rabbit hole real fast, we're in the personal growth space, which is not the same as self-improvement. But let's talk about what self-improvement paradox even means. What the hell is that?
Polly Mertens:Polly? What do you mean? I have no idea. No, no, I would say it's the easy answer is the continuous need to fix something about yourself.
Samantha Pruitt:Exactly To the point of no longer healthy.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, exactly, okay. So it's like I'm improving myself. I'm improving, but the paradox is like it's like it's like self perpetuating and just continual wounding or something. You're like I'm not good enough, so I need to fix something and I need to fix that. I'm fixing something. You know it's like self-perpetuating and just continual wounding or something. You're like I'm not good enough, so I need to fix something and I need to fix that. I'm fixing something.
Samantha Pruitt:It's the vicious cycle. It's the vicious cycle and if you look at media and society and all of these pre-contrived, insane things flying around, all of them are like bombarding us about do the latest and the greatest, this, try this, improve this, you know, maximize this, leverage this, that, that, that it just goes on and on. We're saying hold up, stop, take a breath.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and I think some people will be like, well, you can't just like stop growing or you know, you just don't accept yourself just the way you are. It's like I'm not saying like just put a cap on your growth and your potential and whatnot. But what we are pointing to is that place where it's coming from, or where is the drive to improve, or the next, next, next you know ladder that you're climbing or whatever. Where is that coming from? That's what we're pointing to here is, when you get into the paradoxes, you don't know why you're in it, like you've lost track of your why, and largely it's probably, like you said, something in society or culture and goodness advertising will tell you you're bad, you're, you're too fat, you're, you're not in the right relationship, you're too fat, you're not in the right relationship, you're not a good enough mother, you're not working hard enough, you're not a good enough citizen.
Samantha Pruitt:You know all of that, right, yeah? And I'd say some of the indicators to know if maybe you're trapped in that paradox is you know, are you the type of human who is constantly trying a new diet, constantly trying other ways of self-improvement? Now, I read a lot of books for, but for a lot of people it's like consuming new ideas and new materials about how to be a better leader or, like you said, better parent or whatever. If you find that you're in these cycles, this routine or this Ferris wheel, almost, that you can't get off of this continual bombardment almost of the next the greatest oh, this one's better, oh, my friend's doing that, you know, always seeking, but seeking from the wrong place, is what we're saying. It's like let's get real about the seeking part.
Polly Mertens:And you were talking about. You know this well. I've seen a couple of different paradigms where this is like kind of exploding. One is in like aging, like anti-age longevity movement the long.
Polly Mertens:You know like, oh, you got to lift 160 to 60 and and never have a. You know whatever. You know like being perfectly fit and hundreds, you know, and I'm just like I'm not on that train, that's, I'm okay. You, you know, I want to have a rich, full life and live it to the best of my ability. I don't need to extend it. Well, you know, some people that's their game. If that fulfills them and if that's coming from a healthy place, okay. But I would, I would wonder, right. And then you see this too in like business and you know career, you know you got to have the optimization.
Samantha Pruitt:Everything has to be.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, are you making enough? Are you, are you having enough impact? Or, you know, just rattling it off? It's like hold up. So what we want to introduce is, like, what is true self-acceptance into this conversation right now that we've talked about, like, oh, all this, like speeding up and outer influence, this outer paradigm that the culture has, or someone says to you or an advertisement wants to get you to buy some, you know, diet fix or anti-aging or whatever. It's like hold up. Where we think we want to start from is that area of self-acceptance where there's nothing wrong with you. You're actually whole and complete.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, all right, you're enough, exactly exactly and, and I think sometimes these things start because maybe something does go wrong, like a health condition or um, a financial challenge or a relationship challenge or something. You know, life happens. It's fun being a human, isn't it? What's happening tomorrow? So sometimes that can be sort of the catalyst for people starting down that road, um, but then it can get away from them you know can run, it can run away, it can like take on a life of its own. I'm guilty of this.
Polly Mertens:I mean, I'm just going to raise my hand and say there are definitely been times where you know I can run, it can run away, it can, like, take on a life of its own. I'm guilty of this. I mean, I'm just going to raise my hand and say there are times where, you know, I was all about the pursuing the body for the you know man or the culture, saying you know, indications, stuff like that. So I'm I'm no, you know angel over here, it's like, yeah, like, but when we check in with ourself, right, and yeah, like, but when we check in with ourself right, and especially if you find yourself like, like, driven, like, going too far and and I mean some of this is like you just take a look at how your daily life or something showing up and you're like, hold on, is this, is this what I'm doing? You know, like your diet protocol has you so restricted or so out of balance from what's you so restricted or so out of balance from what's functional for you?
Polly Mertens:You know, I see people do these like drastic diet things or, like you know, call them protocols, and it's like is that sustainable? Like, is that like? Because I always looked at it? Well, I didn't always, sorry, because I did have 20 years of an eating disorder. Oh yeah, there was that. There was that, yeah. Oh yeah, there was that.
Polly Mertens:There was that, yeah, so I'm saying since then it's like anytime I hear a diet, I'm like no, no, no, if it's not a lifestyle, then it's not sustainable. No, it's your lifestyle, it's how you live the diet. You know, maybe you need to do something. Like you're going through a detox right now. You know you're doing something as a protocol to help your body heal something that's gotten dysbiosis and whatnot. Sure, fine, totally. However, like you're not trying to find this magic formula that you know you're going to do one time and then like, oh, and then I go back to unhealthy eating. You're like I want to cure my body and heal my body but also have a healthy lifestyle of good gut, but, you know, vitality for the rest of your life.
Samantha Pruitt:Totally and also important, joy, happiness. I don't want to emotionally be um dysregulated on top of my gut being dysregulated because now I have this crazy ass diet that I'm following or some other bizarre regiments around my physical body and my daily routines, Right, so there's a. There's really a delicate balance that needs to occur and I'd say, for people that can't self-identify, if they're in this kind of paradox or not, like I tell you, the people around you will inform you Well and you know your family and friends will the people around you will inform you.
Polly Mertens:Well, and you know, family and friends will want to keep you where you are.
Samantha Pruitt:So I get that, you know maybe that's not the best place to look. Well, yeah, I mean, I'm talking about unconditional relationships like we have. Like you know, if we all of a sudden went to dinner or spent the weekend together doing a whatever thing, and you see me doing really slightly outrageous things that you know, a a they're not sustainable. Boy, you look fucking miserable. What, what's up? You'd call me on. You say, hey, what else going on over there? My friend, let's have a conversation. So hopefully they do have people like that in their life.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and I like what you said because it's like this alignment with your the pursuit of something you know like it's all parts of you.
Polly Mertens:I say there's four bodies in your body, right, there's the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. And if you're doing one thing and all the other ones are ignored, it ain't going to work. Or if you're doing, you know, like 50, 50, and they're just going to be at odds, like your holistic self, all of your bodies, if they're not in line, you're going to create that resistance and that leads to disease and other you know coping mechanisms and stuff. So it's getting into alignment and I would just say, as we started, like self-acceptance, and I love the work of Kristen Neff.
Samantha Pruitt:So if you haven't, if you haven't.
Polly Mertens:Kristen Neff, any FF, ted talk, whatever. She's Miss self-compassion guru and she talks about self-acceptance and it's, I mean, it's, I mean, her work is just so fundamental. All I would say is, like the cliff notes is being your own best friend, being your own best friend, like having self-compassion for yourself, accepting yourself just like you would your best friend, right? And we get this like anti-relationship inside if we're not careful and we're not paying attention where we're against our body, we're against our mind, because it's to this or we're against. You know, like I'm to that or I'm too much for whatever, right. And it's like broken. Yeah, like I need some fixing. I need some fixing and that comes from scarcity. Right, like there's something wrong with me. There's not enough. I'm not enough already.
Samantha Pruitt:Right, so well for many it comes from some really old programming. You know, and if you've lived in a family or a community or within a religion or some other type of environment where that programming was not really about that, then you know that's some old baggage there that doesn't belong to you.
Polly Mertens:And, and I you know, I would say you know, in studying Tony Robbins, one of the things that in a lot of his work you hear is the two human, the underlying two human fears Everybody on the planet is walking around with. It has different flavors and it sounds a little bit different, but if you whittle it down is I'm not enough and I won't be loved, Right?
Samantha Pruitt:And I say and I don't belong. But basically it's the same thing.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, yeah, I won't be loved is like I don't belong, I'll be ostracized. You know, in the days of the, where our brain was formed, it means we're out in the tundra and the bush, and you know we can't survive on our own kind of thing.
Samantha Pruitt:So it's just, it's this underlying programming that we're all working through, if you will. But if I look perfect and I'm perfect, then I belong here. And then you do that right, you strive and you do all these crazy things and you've morphed yourself into this ideal persona and then you go into the space where you're supposed to belong and you're like who are the aliens?
Polly Mertens:Is it me or?
Samantha Pruitt:them, it never really works out. Let's get into this. How do you develop so, speaking about self improvement starts with self acceptance. How do you develop true self-acceptance, polly.
Polly Mertens:Well, as we get into the steps in a little bit, I mean, self-acceptance is owning who you are Like, you know. I mean I don't know what your body's doing these days and you guys listening might be a little bit younger, but you know, when you're in your twenties, you know it's like, like you know, party all day, party all night, whatever, you know, you just do anything and then bounce back and and as you get through more years body, you know. So you've got different things happening to your physical body. You know, depending on your age, maybe some cognitive things are happening, mentally, whatnot, or you just look different than you used to, right, and we can have all sorts of outer judgment about you know, societal's expression of what a woman should look like, or a man should look like, and whatever that is, you know. You know what that reminds me of. Sorry, I'm just going to interject this real quick because it was such a great study.
Polly Mertens:Watch this TED talk this gal did. She was a burlesque dancer and she oh, wow, yeah, so burlesque dancer. And she oh, wow, yeah. So burlesque dancers typically are very curvy and and you know all about, you know expressing from their, their body what then they love it, you know, and it's usually never, it's usually not that ideal barbie or you know you're gonna see on a victoria's secret runway model kind of body, right, but they are so glamorous and so joyous, voluptuous.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and she said that there was this study where people were shown pictures of a woman with, let's say, just because I think people know the model the super skinny, the Victoria's Secret runway model type body, and then they were shown a more voluptuous woman, right, and over time I can't remember the period of the study, they were just one group was shown one, one group. Both groups started appreciating and wanting more of whatever they saw. If they saw skinny, you know, tiny, whatever, ultra thin, that was what they had an affinity for. If they saw voluptuous, curvy, rounded, you know, whatever, that's what they had an affinity for. It just was what you were exposed to. Isn't that amazing?
Samantha Pruitt:It is amazing. It is amazing, it's just exposure, it's exposure and it's like you know, there's some admiration that happens, idealization, all these things that happen with other figures that we're exposed to too, Like we see.
Samantha Pruitt:Oh, I wish I was more like that that seems to be inbred in the human, in some at some level varying degrees of all humans, like the more that people want to be like other people, that basic survival, do I belong, kind of instinct or whatever. And it can be, I want to look like them, and it can also be I want to behave like them, you know. So it's like it can, it can have a couple of different masks. You know, if I look a certain way, I fit into that, I belong with those people, I'm part of that. Or it's a very strange political time. If I behave like this group of people over here, then I belong to that group, that tribe, and then I will be accepted over there. You know. So sometimes it shows up in behaviors, not just in appearance, metrics or a way of you know, physicality.
Polly Mertens:Very true, very true it could be. You know cultural norms of, you know income, neighborhood, political culture, religion. You know like you're ostracized if you're not in our religion or you're welcomed if you are. You know all of that. You're welcomed if you are. You know all of that and I think, yeah. So I think something that I respect so highly in you is your internal compass. Like when you have an inner compass that is your true north, is your true ownership and identity of who you are, it's easier to go through life bumping up against all sorts of religious dichotomies, all sorts of philosophical. You know the earth is flat, the earth is round. You know this party, that party, money, no money. You know gay, lesbian, whatever it is. It's like when you're in our compass and who you are and your acceptance of that and you, like you have just gotten so clear on your values, who you are, who you're not, what, what energy you'll be around it's like operating from that vantage point, that internal vantage point, not this external, looking for the outside.
Polly Mertens:You know, I I just heard this this morning like blah blah, will that make you happy? And I like just that line is broken. I mean something expecting anything to make you happy.
Samantha Pruitt:Exactly, you're the freaking joy generator from within. So here's the thing about that being grounded in values that you were talking about and you're the same person, right? We're very similar in this way. Being grounded in that very foundational. Here's who I am in the world Don't need to be perfect, super messy, super crazy, super fun, super brilliant, super, this super that we're like all the fun things, right, but also lots of funk. I mean, hello, you don't get to be this age and have experienced all these things and not have some funk, girl, right. However, I can be in spaces, just like you, with lots of different types of people, having different experiences, and nothing's going to shake me. You know, I'm not going to be interested in morphing into or battling against, or going up against, or becoming part of or changing to be like or whatever the hell the thing is, because I don't need to.
Polly Mertens:Yeah.
Samantha Pruitt:And nobody needs to. I mean, we believe that you're born right and you have your own soul contract, basically. So you're here with a very particular reason to be a certain human in the universe, and you need to get busy doing that work, not trying to be like everybody else, yeah yeah, and, and there's such power that comes in that and it's it's like it's not.
Polly Mertens:And you know how we're not taught. That is because we grow up in a family that tries to get us, in the first 18 years of our life, to survive out in that crazy world by conditioning us and you know, like they're, like you know, and well-meant most of them, you know and the school system and the school system well-meant to prepare us for life. And what they do is they condition out of us our connection to ourself and our true North and our compass, like you know better than I do. Nope, you can't have that. No, stop that. No, you can't hang out with those people, you know, like, whatever it is, you know, trying to guide us, to be their way, and sometimes we lose way when we get out into the world of like, what is our compass? You?
Polly Mertens:know, people are still looking for the outside to make them happy, guide them into what I'm supposed to be, not supposed to be externally looking for validation or acceptance or direction and not coming from where it truly lies.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, there's this weird identity thing. I was just having the conversation with the human this weekend about their children and some stuff that's going on in the family unit and one of the partners has a belief system that's deeply, deeply ingrained from lots of stuff, but that those children are an extension of that person. My children are an extension of me, so when they go out into the world they reflect me and so they need to do X Y, Z because my identity is completely attached to them. And again they're in society. They're a reflection of me. Oh, that was fun to unpack.
Polly Mertens:surprise, no, no uh, no, looking at this, you might check that check that belief at the door.
Samantha Pruitt:but dude, it was so fun to have this combo because, you know, in talking about it and kind of opening up the possibility of that not being true, people do it all the time with their partner, with their friends, even, hey, if my friends aren't all wearing the same clothes. Remember, like in junior high?
Samantha Pruitt:and a little bit of high school too, like we all wore the same clothes and we all had to have the same shoes and we all like all of that kind of stuff. Omg yeah. And then now it's completely counterculture, like they want something that nobody else has and whatever.
Polly Mertens:Like the pendulum's gone the other way well, I would say that you know, look at our culture. There's these things called influencers, like the word, the name, whatever the hell that is in their job is to influence people, to be you know whatever you know so well, that's you know all financial all right.
Samantha Pruitt:Well, let's get back in. So how do you?
Polly Mertens:rant, rant, rant, okay, getting off the soapbox. So how do we go from externally motivated or externally driven, or we're in this paradox of like I'm improving, I'm improving, I'm doing what society says? You know, people say to me to coming from within, and I think one of them is like a crucial question right, maybe two parts. So the first question I would leave you with that can help you get to the bottom of this is is this serving me? Is this healthy for me? Right, and only you can address that. And that's where you need to be asking is not asking this to somebody else, but asking this to yourself Is this program I'm on, is this thing that I'm learning? Is this protocol, whatever? Is this really serving me? And like, why? So, like what's based underneath that is, is this serving me? Okay, why am I doing this?
Polly Mertens:Again, you know, like, what is the why behind? Why I want to live longer, why I want a skinny belly, why I want the ideal, this, why I want more money, what, whatever? Right, is it really serving me? And everybody can answer that for themselves. And if the answer is, you know, and it feels in alignment with those four bodies, okay, great, okay, great. You, like you said you're a voracious reader, you love reading right, but it's like a love of reading, a love of knowledge that you have. You're just like a sponge, you're just trying to be the Wikipedia of the world and it's like that fulfills you, it feels good. It's not from a oh, I'm not as smart as everyone else or I'm falling behind because I don't know these things. You just have a deep passion for learning because I think also to contribute, wow, yeah.
Samantha Pruitt:And I self-knowledge and inquiry about the world and all of those kind of things. I would say it needs to come. You're saying the four bodies. I think that's really important. It's your own core value system at the root of what would even be driving those four bodies and their ideas about the world and any thoughts or emotions or actions they might take about the world, and any thoughts or emotions or actions they might take. If it doesn't come from that really core center being of the self and truthfully, you need to nurture that before you go marching down any path of self-improvement or personal growth, I mean, what path are you marching down? I'm totally confused. If you're not coming from that core value system that only belongs to you, that is completely unique to you, not self-imposed by anyone, then you don't even have the right place to start.
Polly Mertens:So I can tell you many, many years of going to the gym. So I'm just going to give you like a little bit of my path and where I saw this show up differently and so I can remember. I remember I lived in the San Francisco Bay Area and you know all the knowledge that I had at the time this was 30 years ago, right, almost 30 years ago was this is how my week would look, or whatever. So go to the gym, get on the cardio machine, don't touch any weights, so like, get on the treadmill for 30 minutes, a little, maybe a little bit of weights, but not very much, um, and then to kind of like on the weekends, uh, jamba juice and a bagel, yeah, and I thought that was like healthy living and crushing it. Crushing it, oh yeah, yeah, like, cause it seems so like everybody was doing it. Like, oh, jamba juice, look at there. So they're everywhere and you know these bagels are all over San Francisco Bay area, you know, whatever. And women just were on the cardio machines, right, and you know, in pursuit of some body, that I felt like I needed to have to attract a mate and whatnot.
Polly Mertens:Fast forward 20 something years, whatever. I see this gal and she just looked like health and vitality. And I asked her, you know, and I was like, what are you doing? And I just saw what she was doing in her life.
Polly Mertens:And then I got inspired to do a friend of mine had done a Tough Mudder and I was like that sounds crazy and fun. Okay, I want to do one of that. And in the pursuit of my journey of Tough Mudder, turned to Spartan, whatever. I got into way, better shape, you know. And yeah, along the way I learned more about nutrition and you know, I became vegetarian, all these sorts of things, right. But I was like I wasn't in pursuit of the best looking body or like take my shirt off or whatever, but did I get totally ripped because I was having so much fun pursuing something that was just fun and like use my body and I got so much vitality in the travel of going to these places and doing these races, like totally took my eye off of the way, but like like my body was night and day different, right, yeah, but you weren't doing it with that in mind or with that intention.
Samantha Pruitt:You know I shared with you a story I should share with the listeners too, which was, you know, I'm post menopausal female, going on 56, you know, I'm having some challenges with my immune system and my digestive system, whatever. So I'm on this detox, blah, blah, blah, whatever. But I mean I freaking did an Ironman last fall. So, okay, six months ago I was literally racing a 140.6 mile race with this physical body of mine, right, but how I look is just kind of how I look like what my body's doing is it's adjusting to the training and whatever. Am I ripped and cut and shredded? Not at all, not at all. Do I have extra body fat? Absolutely. Can you see my six pack? Hell, no, I got a 12 pack. I mean, this is just not what it looks like the body's performing, irrelevant of its physical appearance.
Samantha Pruitt:And then I told to you this big breakthrough I had, whatever it was, a month or two ago or something like that, cause I'm now I'm back at CrossFit and getting back into a different kind of rhythm for my fitness goals. And I went in and I told you I never wear shorts to the gym. I wear them running. But like I'm in the gym setting, there's all these ripped CrossFit people, I went and I wore shorts. It's hot as hell here. It's like 100 degrees right.
Samantha Pruitt:So during the workout I literally ripped my shirt off like a barbarian. You know, there's this 56 year old lady. I ripped my shirt off and I'm dropping the fucking hammer. I mean, I am like performing in these workouts. It's blowing my own mind of what I'm doing, like the amount of weight I'm lifting, how fast I can go, all of the things that, all the variables that come with the CrossFit world. But it was so liberating to me to take off my shirt, be there in shorts and a sports bra Sweaty insanity was going down. I didn't give two shits. I didn't care about what anyone else thought about this body of mine. I didn't care. Even I was not having that moment. There's no mirrors in CrossFit. There's no mirrors in these gyms. That's how they're designed. It was just very different experience. I was so in tune with the performance of my body.
Polly Mertens:That was my sole focus. Yeah, you know, it's the self-acceptance. So you accepted yourself. In the moment You're like, hey, I'm hot, I'm taking whatever this is going to make me feel better. I accept myself cold and complete. I want to do amazing at this workout. I'm doing. This is what I'm doing. Yeah, y'all can like step back. You know your opinion.
Samantha Pruitt:You can have your opinion whatever, right, hopefully they're in their own pain, cave and they're not even paying attention. But even if they were, I don't really care. But it was a really powerful moment for me as a 56 year old female in this body, like damn, this feels good, yeah, right. And so that is available in all arenas of our life. We've had this in our professional life too. Right, where it looks messy, it's convoluted, it doesn't look like someone else thinks maybe it's not making as much money as someone else would be making it. Whatever the things are, you know, but we're like this, is it? I've never felt more alive.
Polly Mertens:And that's a good litmus test Exactly Is the aliveness, the vitality. You know my mentor, linda, would say you know, if it's light, it's right. If it's heavy, it's a no. You know it's like does this right? If it's heavy, it's a no. You know it's like. Does this make me feel lighter? Do I lean into it? Does it inspire and pull me? Instead of like this negative, like oh, I don't want to have that in my life anymore?
Polly Mertens:It's like you'll be long more inspired by what you do the best version of yourself, from a health, from a healthy definition that you create right.
Samantha Pruitt:So it should come from the question of what do I want, not what I do not want, okay. And then I would add, from my experience of coaching people, like can you all just pick one thing? Okay, I can't tell you how many people like I'm gonna work on 10 things right now. I got all these things. I'm working on all these things. I'm working on my nutrition, I'm working on my fitness, I'm working on my relationship with my boyfriend, I'm working on my finances. I'm like whoa, hold up, okay, hold up. Like I get leveling up in an area of your life. I'm all about it, right.
Samantha Pruitt:I'm all about it Right, but let's just take a moment and take a breath and let's focus on one area at a time, because you only have so much capacity, and so what happens is people will spread themselves too thin with multiple streams of self-improvement chapters and they won't do any of them very well, and then they will beat themselves up or just give up, which is another form of being yourself.
Polly Mertens:I'll tell you my metaphor for this. I used to teach this to coaching clients because I've experienced this, especially as a house remodeler. You know so if you've ever remodeled a house and I've, you know, especially if you live in it. So use this example as if you're living in the house and somebody is like honey, let's totally overhaul the house, right, and it's like all the rooms bathroom, kitchen. You know, remodeling the entire house at the same time is very challenging on the occupants, very challenging, it's not. And the budget, yeah. And so I would say pick a room at a time. Why don't you start with the upstairs bathroom? That looks like a good project, right. Get a wind, yes, right, okay. Stack the winds, yeah. Redo the landscaping up front, whatever you know. Like. However you want to metaphor it, right, but like overhauling the whole house at the same time, like you said, is challenging on the occupants, so don't recommend it. No, no all right.
Polly Mertens:So what are some steps to practice and cultivate, accepting and having healthy growth? Let's give them some how-to, so so let's see.
Polly Mertens:I would say pick one thing start from your core values and it's listening to those bodies, listening to your core values, listening to your body, like, get to the why. You know, like if your body's like resistance, you know I really don't want to do this, or you know. Or like you keep failing at something, or you keep finding yourself resisting or not wanting to do, or something like check in right, like is there something out of alignment with one of those bodies or that core value structure that you have that you actually created this, or why you started doing this? You're out of touch with it. Number one, maybe it's just an opportunity to check back in and go, oh, I lost sight of my compelling vision. I lost sight of how this is going to serve me in whatever area of your life, right? So just check back in and maybe it's an opportunity to go oh crap, I don't even want this. Like I'm doing this for all these other people's reasons or so-and-so said so or yeah, or I bought into something that isn't serving me.
Samantha Pruitt:I call this whole thing personal growth self-investment. So to me, the self-investing is either coming from a place of self-love, like I am fired up Damn, this is a must do for me. Like it's a hard, yes, like I got to go and I'm not saying I'm motivated every day. That's not the same thing, so resonates like it's so lights me up versus this path. Instead of self-love, feels like self-abuse, feels like a punishment.
Polly Mertens:I heard this guy say this question. You know when people are asking a question, he says you know, I always look at the context from which the question is coming from. And when we talk about that question of checking in with you know the why and what we're doing is are you coming from I'm whole and complete, I'm enough, or are you coming from there's something wrong with me? I need to fix it in order to right? So, just getting to that why and the motivation or why you're doing this, check the context. Is it based in I'm enough and I'm I'm?
Polly Mertens:I want to be better and grow from a healthy place, not a lackful place. That true self-compassion and acceptance, yes, so, and and you can have micro and macro moments of that question of, is this serving me right? So does this serve me? This bigger picture of the, the quest I'm on, the area that I want to improve in my life, the little tweak that I want to make in my relationship or whatever like, is this serving me? Is this healthy for me? And only you can answer that well you know how you can answer that.
Samantha Pruitt:Am I doing it in service of another? That's called self-sacrifice and that's a no. Okay, Because you're like, yeah, I'm not really into this, but my partner really is and that's going to make that person happy. What the hell? Is that your job? Or my parents happy, or my boss happy, or my boss happy, or my whatever? Fill in the blanks, right, If it's well, no to your question. But so and so is really going to be stoked when I do those things? Who in the hell's life are we trying to stoke? We're not here to stoke other people's lives. That's their damn job. You need to be stoking your own life?
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and I think there's something too about this. It's like, at what point of like the doing, doing, doing, doing. Are you enjoying the life right now?
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, the moment, the living, the doing, the actual work, the actual work, because there's no guarantees on outcome. By the way, fyi, everything changes every 10 minutes around here, so, like, with everything being impermanent, don't be hanging on to any results. But like, is this fun? Like you and I say we'll start before we even start episodes, like we're having freaking fun today, all right, like we'll remind each other we're doing this podcast because it is fun. If it's starting to feel like work, you're going to check me and I'm going to check you. That wasn't the intention and we will not be doing it that way and you can.
Polly Mertens:And so I think, what is your practice in the joy of living, what is your buddhism phrase?
Samantha Pruitt:it's uh what? Buddhism is not a religion. It's a practice in the art of living thank you.
Polly Mertens:Okay, practicing art of living, and I would say, with joy or with habit, like what are you living for Right, exactly.
Samantha Pruitt:Hey, it doesn't mean there won't be suffering. Yeah, we're not saying it's all. You know unicorns and rainbows, as much as we'd like it to be, and we have lots of pixie dust, we're ready to throw it everybody.
Polly Mertens:Especially in periods of growth.
Samantha Pruitt:You think I'm stoked on this whole gut thing and whatever. What the hell you are jacking with my vibe. I got stuff to do here. I can't be like feeling like this, you know, but it is part of it. It's part of it.
Polly Mertens:And, as you're, you know when you know you're going through, you're growing through something like you're having Growing through it, girl, you're having like skin rashes and like your body's transitioning, but you're not like You're having that skin rashes and like your body is transitioning, but you're not like, oh my God, the sky is falling. You're like, oh, my body is healing, it's detoxing. I'm having a visual rash or you know something on your body, or you're pooping or whatever. You know whatever is happening to your body and it's all the above yeah.
Polly Mertens:And it's the acceptance of this is the phase that I'm going through. You know you've got yourself. You know some things happen to your body and so you're growing through that right, and that can look like, you know. So, like this morning I was having a. I had a mini coaching session I'm gonna have more later with my coach and it was like I got so frustrated at something and I'm just like damn it, you know, and it's like I'm growing through it. You know I'm like banging up against old beliefs or old ways of being right and so in that moment, you know it's it suffering, option or whatever, but it's like the frustration or the whatever that arises.
Polly Mertens:But I know that I'm on the path of growth. I know that this is serving me, because that old behavior that is stuck in a way of being is not, it's not going to. You know, it's not how I want to be right. Because for me, what I'm describing is I go into defending. Defending and protecting, I'm noticing, are like my two go-tos. A lot when something shows up, you know somebody will say whatever and I'm defending and protecting, defending and protecting I'm like wow, that's from a basic route of survival.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, that's got to die, that's good, you know.
Samantha Pruitt:So now, Well, you've got to survive, but you don't have to fight for survival.
Polly Mertens:There's a more elevated way of doing it. You know, like an evolved. So that's coming from a place in my brain of lack and you know these triggers that are showing up and it's like, okay, so I'm noticing through the growth of the frustration and a breakdown frustration and a breakdown of growth. You know that soon that way of being will be transformed you know, oh yeah, it's so good when shit is broken.
Samantha Pruitt:I mean, isn't it? Well, it gives you an opportunity to see Exactly that's the only that's when opportunities happen. People who are comfortable in cruise control or, you know, zombie mode or whatever the whole thing is that's going on like this is good enough. People who are living in that place. There is no growth and we're not saying sign up for that. When we talk about the self-improvement paradox, we're not talking about hanging out y'all in the comfort zone.
Polly Mertens:Well, and just to your point, as you were saying that, I was like, yeah, you know, there's the way of being of me living in a mindset that has defending and protecting be some of my go-tos. You might say, well, accept that, right? So we're not saying that, nope, nope. We're not saying, well, just accept that you defend and protect and like, work around that, and it's like, no, that's not, that's not what we're saying. When we say self-acceptance, it's like I accept that this is how I've created myself to be. Little baby, me was not a defender and protector. I followed a pattern. I created something in my mind, a way of being to survive in the world, that, as an adult, it's like. Now I'm very aware of it. I've had multiple opportunities to see it and experience it and not transform it, and it's caused. You know, now that it's visible, now that it's like really in my I'm like, where's it going to show up next? Cause I'm, you know, sort of like you know that whack-a-mole I'm like, like, wham, wham, wham, wham.
Samantha Pruitt:You know, like, like, I'm getting you like we're.
Polly Mertens:That's coming out, whatever's underneath that, that's driving that. Yeah, I want to transform and transmute that in it because it gets in the way, absolutely gets in the way. And so when we're saying acceptance is not accepting yourself as a you know victim or you know settling for less or whatnot, it's accepting that I'm doing it and if I find that it's unhealthy, it's not serving me, because that's not serving me, you know it keeps distance from me and that person, or move forward motion or whatever. Whatever it is, so work.
Samantha Pruitt:So let's say you pick a thing that you want to work on, it's coming from the right place, You're very clear on your values and your why, et cetera. You get started marching down the path. You know how do you keep the path from becoming dysfunctional.
Polly Mertens:You mean because you take on too much, like we were talking about, or?
Samantha Pruitt:Well, like letting it get away from you. You know you have to really keep sort of revisiting this. So my health journey has been pretty pronounced for 25 years. Yeah, you know you've got stuff that you've been working on for a long time. So this is not a one and done thing, and so to me I I write it like you know, there's seasons and there's evolutions and there's like a process of growth and, you know, moving forward and stepping backwards and whatever, and I allow myself the grace and the freedom to let that process continue. But I do continue. I'm not always in hard pursuit, right, Sometimes things are just cruising along, but then other times I'm in hard pursuit, so like there's an ebb and flow to it, I guess, is what I would say.
Polly Mertens:I don't know what everybody's process is, but, as you asked that, I was like, how do I or what is that? So I, you know, I have on a monthly basis, I have this journal and it has, you know, the wheel of life that that I love to work with clients and do for myself. I definitely do this at year end was part of my, you know, planning for the new year and you know what do I want to get up to, what's my theme for the year? But even on a monthly basis, I just check in with myself. It's just an opportunity in all the areas of my life. How is that area going Right and is there something that is out of balance? Or you know, so I've been so focused on this one and this other one is now, you know it's sort of.
Polly Mertens:The analogy is if it's a wheel, it's how you're going down through life, Right, and if it's well balanced and you feel good and it's full, then the ride is smooth, Right, or it's bumpy, if things are out of whack. So that's one of the ways that I check in. And then you know, definitely annually, you know like, what am I working on? And I think we just get inspiration. You know, either we're faced with something, like you said, you can go through phases Like I love the idea with going for a race or a challenge that you're up to. Like I want to go on a big backpacking trip or do an adventure or complete a task, like a big project, right. So that could be just a phase that you're in and you're doing some growth, you're training for something, you're going back to school, you're getting outside of your comfort zone and learning something new, try a language or something. So there can be a precise beginning and an end to it as well. I think there should be.
Samantha Pruitt:I think there should be a beginning and an end to it. It as well, I think there should be. Yeah, you know, I think there should be a beginning and end to it. Nobody can sustain one thing that just goes on and on and on that seeking perfection, which is bullshit, right? So if there's a beginning and end, it's like okay, I have a problem to solve or a thing to work towards or a goal or whatever. Right. Like there's a clear beginning and end. And then there's a path. And I'm going to do this, not out of perfection, but I'm going to do this by showing up every day because I'm committed to the path and I'm going to do the things and I'm going to move towards the end right Now.
Samantha Pruitt:First of all, it's all going to change in the middle and it's never going to at all be what you thought it was going to be. So there's that. But then, when you get to the end, you're like okay, so that was great, or it wasn't great, or whatever the results are. They just are what they are. Okay, we don't really have that much control. We're all fooling ourselves that we do, but anyway. So there we get, and then you can take a break, you can reset, you can start again, you can pick something different, whatever you want to do.
Polly Mertens:You know that's. That reminds me of something I heard recently and I was like I'm sure I'm in agreement with that and I just I'll bring it up here and we can move on. But it was um, I forget how they said it, but the essence of it sounded like do 1% better every day and how far where you'll be. And I was like just so you die.
Polly Mertens:And I was like, just generically, 1% better every day, like what the heck? You know? I was like I just don't, I don't think I buy into that. I'm like you, like you know, right now, like I said, I'm focused on this deflect, defending and protecting Right, this is going to be resolved and maybe today, maybe, we'll be coaching and I'll have a break during today. Like you know, I'm not going to continue to improve and perfect this. You know, 1% forever.
Polly Mertens:I just felt like it was so broad and so never ending. I'm like, yeah, no, I cause I come from, like you said, like we're whole, complete already, right, so, you know, need one percent every whatever. I think that's what we're pointing to that feels like either that's an external motivation, you know, like that's coming from a culture that lack and not enough need to be continuously improving. Or pick something that does serve you and you feel out of balance and, you know, bring it to where you want it to be, continuously improving or pick something that does serve you and you feel out of balance and, and you know, bring it to where you want it to be.
Samantha Pruitt:Well, the interesting thing about stuff like that is who might be judging this? Who's the person rating on the scale of whatever the hell and all the things right, like. So it's kind of funny. I'm on a health journey, right? So I can say do I feel better today? Do I feel better in the next hour? Did I feel better last night? Whatever? I don't know Like it's going to be a process. It's not predictable. Sure, I'm on a path moving towards a thing, right, I'm doing taking actions to heal some parts of my physical health. But if I every day said I must feel 1% better today or else today was a waste, I should just pack it in right now. I mean what?
Polly Mertens:in the hell.
Samantha Pruitt:Tomorrow I could feel 10% better. I mean it could be leaps and bounds, and then for three days I could take 10% better. I mean I could, it could be leaps and bounds, and then for three days I could take five steps back. I'm giving myself the grace to just be in it and just be on the path and do the work, you know, without having to be judging myself about it.
Polly Mertens:And I think the other thing that I would add to that, that I've noticed when I was formerly coaching a lot of people with eating disorders, is they didn't even know where their physical goal came from. Like you know, oftentimes it was a weight number and I was like what does weight on the planet have to do? Like where?
Samantha Pruitt:Why and who said that number?
Polly Mertens:Yeah, like, why and who said that number? Yeah, like, when you know and they don't, they're like oblivious that it was a pursuit that they had, that was kind of planted or they picked up, or you know.
Samantha Pruitt:Just looking at the picture, people do this with money all the time too. This is fascinating.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, yeah. So it's noticing what might be driving the bus, you know might be driving the mental chatter to pursue something. Did you even define that for yourself, like, is that really your goal or did you adopt one, you know? So get getting clear on that as well. So dig it, I dig it. We better wrap this party up, yeah. So I would say I just want to.
Polly Mertens:I love this line, so reiterating that true vitality comes from not endless fixing, but from a foundation of enoughness. That's beautiful, that's really beautiful. It's like true vitality is like living in alignment with core values, living in alignment with those four bodies is I'm already enough and enjoying and in the pursuit of something that you're passionate about, joyful about what lights you up, what serves you right, what's healthy for you. So it's not from fixing a brokenness right. Like I don't look at my defending and protecting as broken, I just look at it as like this is a part of me that's not whole and you know it's not who I truly am. It's an expression that is like not who I am Right, like I want to have, you know, love and affinity and alignment with the communications in the conversation. I want to be able to hear something and not go into defending you know it's, it's this outer thing. That's not a part of who I see myself as.
Polly Mertens:Mm hmm, exactly, exactly. And what else? How about being kind to yourself, as Kristen Neff would say, like being your best friend on these journeys, like totally personal growth, like you said, up and down, and it's never a straight line and setbacks, one forward and backward, accepting that in a loving way? Exactly?
Samantha Pruitt:Exactly. And if y'all don't know how to do that, because it does take practice, you know I always say I've got the evil twin and then the good twin. You know, like there's different personalities up there talking in the head, no doubt.
Polly Mertens:No doubt.
Samantha Pruitt:But you can, over time, understand your true self, like you just were speaking about Right self, like you just were speaking about right, and who really is there to live this life in this body. You know, on this planet, we know, we really do know she. You know whether she's buried in there or not, or he's buried in there or not, like they're in there uh-huh, yeah, you can't, you can't hide from them and things to see, you know we might have to so.
Polly Mertens:So what's our one thing? What's the one thing we want to?
Samantha Pruitt:do you see it? I mean, my one thing is don't be shooting on yourself. You know, if you're going around with, I should be eating this, but I'm eating that I should be going to the gym, but I'm doing this other thing. I should be saving my money, but I'm doing this other thing. I should be nice to my partner, but what is all this shooting on yourself? Right, and that's a cycle of like. I'm not really focused on any one area of personal development and growth, self-compassion, I'm not. I'm spread so thin and I have the attention span of a gnat, right, it's just constant like feedback cycle and it really doesn't feel good. Of a gnat, right, it's just constant like feedback cycle and it really doesn't feel good.
Samantha Pruitt:So I want people just to stop that and then pick one area of their life they feel so strongly about making improvement in and then doing it lovingly, yes.
Polly Mertens:Well, I would just echo that and I would just say the one thing is just be asking yourself is this serving me? That's it. I think that's one of the ultimate is this serving me? Is this healthy for me? Why, you know, why am I doing this? So just remember that, as you find yourself perhaps in this paradox and you're overdoing it and distressed and you know, flustered, run out, frustrated, overwhelmed, whatever, Wait a minute. Why am I doing this? This is really serving me? And then check back in. Check back in, you know, and it's okay to have a reset right, Like we're, like I'm going to go do this, and it's like hold up that came from lack. Now that I'm whole and complete, what do I want? And you can claim that yourself newly.
Samantha Pruitt:Exactly. There's no one way and there's no right way. It's your way.
Polly Mertens:Your way, but you're a true North. All right, my dear, okay Bye, all right. What do you want so we're out of the paradox and we're living freely? And what do we want to remind our beautiful humans today?
Samantha Pruitt:Oh, we need to remind them, in case they forgot, that how their life feels is more important than how it looks.
Polly Mertens:And every day is your opportunity to find your awesome.
