The Everyday Awesome Project
The Everyday Awesome Podcast is your mega dose of multivitamins for building your mental muscles, physical body and an empowered life. Your hosts Polly and Sam are on your dream team; lifelong coaches in business, health & fitness and human potential. They are on fire to ignite change in the lives they touch.
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The Everyday Awesome Project
90: Are You Listening or Just Waiting to Speak? Power of Communication
The art of communication shapes every aspect of our lives, yet most of us never receive formal training in how to effectively speak and listen. In this illuminating conversation, we unpack the hidden dynamics that either connect us deeply or create unnecessary suffering in our relationships.
Did you know that only 7% of communication happens through words? The remaining 93% flows through tone, body language, and energy—explaining why digital interactions often leave us feeling depleted and misunderstood. We explore how our internal "listening filters" (defending, fixing, justifying, controlling) create barriers to authentic connection, and share practical strategies for recognizing when you're bringing a "backpack" of emotional baggage into conversations.
The foundation of masterful communication starts with awareness. When you notice yourself tensing up during an interaction, pause and ask: "What's in my listening right now?" This simple practice can transform how you engage with others. Instead of reacting from old patterns, you can choose to speak your truth with compassion, creating space for real understanding even in challenging moments.
Ready to strengthen your communication muscles? We share powerful practices like writing love letters to yourself and others, setting clear intentions before important conversations, and approaching each interaction with a foundation of "love and affinity." These skills aren't mastered overnight—they're lifelong practices that become more natural with conscious effort.
Whether you're struggling with difficult family dynamics, workplace relationships, or simply want to express yourself more authentically, this episode offers practical wisdom for creating more meaningful connections through the words you speak and how you listen.
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hey, superstars, welcome back polly here and sam pruitt.
Samantha Pruitt:What's up? Beautiful humans, where are you?
Polly Mertens:polly, I would be in a little town in washington state right now. I'm, uh, outside of cascades national park, coming to you live and excited I'm in. Actually, one of the most beautiful. It's like a box canyon. We've heard of box canyons right in the mountains. I've never seen one like this. It's got four like a little. Anyway yeah, it's just amazing, amazing. So I'm taking in the beauty of nature and looking forward to this topic, though we are talking about communication conversations speaking.
Samantha Pruitt:We obviously hate to do talk. Yeah right, that's why we have a podcast.
Polly Mertens:Yes, yes, and it's so critical. We were like you would listen to. We love Dan Harris and his podcast, sentence Unhappier. If you don't know him, you're a super fan of his and he had a gal on there from harvard business school talking about her book and they were talking about conversations and I was like, yeah, we got more to talk about than that. I was like, yeah, that's pretty good stuff, but you and I just you know, having lived a life, and one of the things you were saying is I should share about the program that I'm in right, exactly where you're going to.
Samantha Pruitt:but but before you do that, sorry, before you get going, see, we have so much to talk about.
Polly Mertens:Keep me on track, keep me on track. Yeah, totally, totally.
Samantha Pruitt:We want to express to the listener why we feel, before we discuss all the details, why we feel that communication is so critical, why we feel that communication is so critical, and I have some ideas around that and you can interject and add to my.
Samantha Pruitt:I could probably write 10 pages, but I'll keep it simple out of the gate, just to warm them up a little bit, okay, first of all, it's a critical part of humaning, being a human right. It's foundational to the human life experience and anyone listening to this podcast, I think, is mostly a human um. It allows us to build and maintain connection okay, empathy and trust again, foundational human relationship with the self and others, foundational elements, uh. Allows us to understand, clarify, inform and educate, again things that are constantly happening in the world on our every day, moving around in the space, for sure, um, hopefully, it allows us to inspire and to lead others. And then, lastly, lastly, oh my gosh, this is why anybody should really invest in, including us and you are, invest more skills in this. You know to be really understood, even if it's not, I agree and I understand you, but the expression and the listening for and the being um, bearing witness to somebody else is just wow, it's so beautiful, right, it's what we all need.
Polly Mertens:You know, and as you're sharing that, I was thinking, okay, clarifying. So three thoughts came to mind that I just want to pop in here. One is um, so communication, speaking and listening. Right, so that's what we're talking about. Yes, there was communication in writing or video and stuff like that, but I think speaking and listening, especially one-on-one or interpersonal groups, things like that Um, so that's communication. The other was, um, like what a core freaking function. You and I were just, uh, you know we love elizabeth gilbert and she's a masterful teacher in the world of writing and all things. You know, communication she's actually a beautiful speaker, if you ask me too, and she just did a five-day silence retreat where it's like like no, no sight. No, you know, like she was just in this little kind of hovel, if you will like, not silent, oh, that's right, it was visual it was visual.
Polly Mertens:She was fully blindfolded that's right, but she was still, I think, in well, she was kind of by herself, but people go on silence. Retreats is what it made me think of. It's like we're all the time, especially the your zen monk friends.
Samantha Pruitt:You know it's like I want to do one of those. I do want to do one of those and of course, I will do one at one point. And, um, this wasn't a silent retreat, but when I did that hike recently, that solo hike, I did choose to have, um, no podcast, no books, no music, no sound, except for nature, obviously, and I only spoke to humans when I was required to so, like at the beginning and the end or if there was something in between. That I needed to facilitate, but otherwise I didn't with intention talk to people and it was lovely. I strongly suggest everybody do this.
Polly Mertens:Totally, totally. So. Communication is something we can choose not to do right, like by choice, like, oh, I want some silence, or you know peace, or you know stillness, kind of thing. But the rest of our life so much relies on our ability to communicate, to speak and listen in ways that further would say like speaking gives our world, like what we speak gives our world, because our listening a, it goes into our subconscious mind and it creates and all sorts of things. And they say that, like your, your life you're listening to, but you're also speaking it into other people's listening as well, and so you speak your word. You know it's like the, the table that you're sitting at, or the podcast equipment that your word. You know. It's like the, the table that you're sitting at, or the podcast equipment that you're listening to. It's like somebody had to speak that idea into existence. Like I'm going to create that table. Right doesn't just appear right.
Samantha Pruitt:Like we, we speak so much it brings concepts, ideas, emotions, whatever reality. Is that basically what you're saying?
Polly Mertens:Yeah, like we literally are creating.
Polly Mertens:And I would say, you know, there was something I was listening to recently about there was a lot of research years ago about there was this football team and this coach had done, you know, found some research and stuff that said, just not speaking negatively affects performance, right.
Polly Mertens:And so he's like guys, you know, in football teams this is a general thing I'm just going to say from this I don't know this to be true, but I think it could be true is they talk a lot of shit on the field, you know whatever, right. So you sort of speak down to people, or you speak, you know, negatively, or you just like I screwed up, you know, and he's like okay, you can have a quote, failure or an error or do something wrong, but just don't speak about it. And it was amazing, there's actually evidence out there not speaking what you're thinking, always, if it's not furthering what you're up to or positive, or affirming or growing where you're wanting to go, just don't say it. So I know it's like, but I wish I had the data to share with you, but I've heard that before and I believe it's true.
Samantha Pruitt:Why don't you tell us about this course? You're in Landmark right now.
Polly Mertens:Okay, we'll set the stage so 2025, earlier this year I attended. So landmark education is a body of work that's global. You can find them online landmark worldwidecom, and I am part of a series, an advanced series, that they call the communication courses or the communication curriculum is communication access to power Great fucking name, by the way access to power. Second one is communication power to create, like like we're talking about, like your words, create, right Power to create. And then I went into a year long curriculum to in support of those two courses to deepen my understanding, called the team management and leadership program, and that is all based around what they teach you in these courses and then they're just like keep learning, keep learning, you know, because it's new muscles, right, like you were saying at the top, like what you got out of dan harris's podcast was how little we get taught speaking and listening like our parents, you know it's ridiculous.
Samantha Pruitt:Why are we not taught that? Yeah, it's totally absurd, like and if you look at the evolution of humanity, right, we had to learn how to communicate with each other in order to convey things and at some point, language evolved from you know, whatever they were doing hand signals. And then they, then they were you know writing or whatever and then at some point they're making noises, and then it turned into sounds and ultimately words and then letters and like. So the evolution of communication is kind of mind blowing.
Polly Mertens:Totally.
Samantha Pruitt:But here we are in a very evolved world and sometimes I think it's de-evolving, with everything moving online and away from real communication with each other. But don't get me ranting on that for a hot second. Why do we not just foundationally teach our children as they're growing, our young adults, adults like me in the world, how to better world, how to better facilitate healthy communication, so there will be ultimately less suffering?
Polly Mertens:emotional suffering is caused because of poor or lack of, or withholding or negative communication so much suffering dude so much suffering definitely, you know, and I think there's been an arc and an evolution of communication, speaking and listening since generations ago. You know, I remember I don't think it was in your, you've maybe said it a little bit in your family. They follow that model of like kids are seen, not heard, right, you know. So it's like we get taught by the, by the family of origin or wherever we spend our most of our time in young years, a lot of that communication skills and they must right. You know, like depending on, and then there's like uh, train specific training that you can get, like some people go for sales training or how to be a speaker, or you know like cold calling or something like that, but otherwise, yeah, it's, it's a wasteland I know, I know it's unfortunate.
Samantha Pruitt:Let's try and give them some hope oh, oh gosh, no, I mean.
Polly Mertens:So what we're talking about here is, like it's not easy, like I think that's the thing you know, like I'm in this year-long program because I don't think you just learned this, like, oh yeah, I got that, you know. Like you know, I mean, opening a ride a bike takes a little bit, but once you got it, you got it right. Like you just get back on it right. Communication man. I think that's something we could learn for the rest of our lives, because it's driven by our paradigms and what's you know going on in our mind and our story, and you know the expectations we have. We talk to people.
Samantha Pruitt:There's a lot there well, let's just kind of unpack a little bit of the, the steps of just having awareness around, uh kind of awakening, if you will, to your own communication and your own listening and what some of those basic skills are, just so people can feel like, oh, I didn't really think about it being this complex, it's just something that I do you know Well.
Polly Mertens:so there's two things here, right, we're talking about speaking and listening. Oh, I remember the third thing I wanted to insert, and that is and I don't remember how it breaks down, but you've probably heard of this too it's like communication. So let's say you and I are standing near each other or you're talking to a stranger right, you just get to know someone. The the words that are spoken is like seven percent of the communication, 93 of the communication, or one, two percent is like how you do it, like the tone or something like that, but like 90 is physical yeah, it's this other way of communicating.
Polly Mertens:It's you know, and it's a little different on zooms and internet and stuff like that. Like that gets a little lost. That's why I find one of the reasons people get so tired on zoom just scaring a screen, number one. But because our mind is having to work so hard to pick up on all those little things in the person's facial expressions, body language, that ordinarily our body picks up on for us, right, like you stand next to somebody, you've got a vibe, like you know if they're telling the truth or not, or if they're on your team or you're or they're not, or if they're adversarial, or if they're holding something like you can sense not, or if they're adversarial, or if they're holding something like you can sense it right. It's that other sensory, but on digital we have to tune in, like our mind, and our listening, if you will, has to be more acute for those signals that we don't ordinarily get. You know the other 90% that we get from our body.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, and we're not receiving their energy the same way at all through a screen portal.
Polly Mertens:And yeah.
Samantha Pruitt:I'm not a super fan of zoom. I just kind of wish it was never invented.
Polly Mertens:Necessary but helpful, and necessary but not not preferred, for sure.
Samantha Pruitt:Exactly, exactly, okay. So what can people do to become more aware? Maybe you want to do. You want to start with the listening element, or do you want to start with the speaking element?
Polly Mertens:yeah, I want to talk about the listening because I think there's so much and um. One of the pillars that I wanted us to chat about here is about communication and conversation. The ability to communicate and have a clear conversation is you being able to express in the world, it's your self-expression right, and there's so much that I discover in my own, like my own behaviors, and I see out in the world that people withholding communication right For very good reasons. Number one is your brain detects communication, conversations, language, as a threat. It's always like well, what's going on here? You know it's got this filter of protectionism going on right, and so let me insert this right now, and this is from the work of landmarks is they teach you we have this story right and everyone's is a little bit different and nuanced, but a lot of the things there's, like eight ways of listening that we typically already are listening from you know, like the paradigm or the story that's we're filtering through defending and protecting, fixing and changing, resisting and preventing, like forcing, controlling. Got to get them to do this right Justifying and explaining, convincing and proving, and that's like that has this often with whole communication or delivered communication, are speaking out of those filters, like, oh, this person is trying to overwhelm me or they're trying to get over on me, like I listen for marketing.
Polly Mertens:That way, I'm always like, oh, don't sell me. You know. People are like, oh, I can't go to that thing because I'm going to be sold, and it's like it's not a threat, it's just words, you know. But it's like, oh, they take themselves out of situations because they can't see they're listening, other than like I'm something's coming at me, you know. You know what I mean.
Polly Mertens:So yeah totally, yeah, yeah. So just now, like that's going on in the background and if you just look at the way you interact with people, it's amazing how much we do it so much. So I just wanted to insert that. And then, you know, your question earlier was like, well, what do you do with all that? Like, how do you not do that exactly? Okay, this is a muscle man, this is totally a muscle. Okay, like I'm still like I got little puny muscles with this, but it's coming from nothing, okay.
Polly Mertens:And so what that is is like noticing when you're, when you're aware like someone's saying something to you and you're you're like like I do this with my mom. My number one with my mom is fixing or was right. So my new paradigm is she's fine, she's totally okay, mom doesn't. Mom comes to me with something I don't need to fix it. I'm not her problem solver, right? So you know, I listen to her as like, oh, she's telling me something.
Polly Mertens:Oh, what, what's mom up to today? Instead of you know, she puts on the phone the other day, oh, I'm so lonely and I'm like, oh, I got to fix that. No, I don't Sorry, you know you don't have any friends around you right now I can hear that Right or protecting is like you know, somebody wants you to do something, like, hey, can you take out whatever? Or they come to you with like oh, I've got some edits for your paper, or something like that, and you're like oh, so you're like oh, you got some edits. All right, let me hear it. But it's not like an attack, it's not trying to get one over on you, you know, manipulate you, just like OK, someone has some edits, what do you?
Samantha Pruitt:say the reason that people, humans, all of us, us included go into any conversation any communication with a way of interpreting it is, we have some kind of story and pre-programming back there in our head, right it? It's like I know, anytime my boss comes to me, you know they're going to be critical and they really don't like the work that I do and they really don't appreciate me, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and 50,000 stories that they've got Right. So even though the boss might literally be coming in with a trip plate of cupcakes happy birthday I'm like, oh God, here they come again. Now they're going to sit alone. Yeah, like it's just, that's my, my story, not the story Right.
Samantha Pruitt:And it's again a story that I have made up in my head from my experiences, whatever. And so what you're saying in a scenario like that, just to kind of play it out, is to come with just a listening, an emptiness, a clean plate, basically, and just observe, listen, don't attach any emotions or story to it. Right, but you still have to interpret what they're saying, you still have to probably respond to what they're saying, so there does have to be some kind of interaction yeah, and you're interacting with them, but you're doing your best to let go of that.
Polly Mertens:Protecting, defending. You know all of this that's going on. That keeps you from being with that person right now, you know when I hear landmarks say like, oh, come from nothing, I'm like.
Polly Mertens:I would like to say like, come from hearing people big, you know. Come from hearing people capable or on your team, right, you know, like I have this one client that I'm coaching right now and there's such a and I'm not animosity, but like fear of the team, like the team doesn't. It's not that they don't respect her, it's, um, she just doesn't see herself as valued in some way, right, and so it's like, oh, they're um, like she diminishes herself, right, and it's like no, see your team big. So you know, and this is where one of the things we're going to talk about is like you can listen for other people, you're going to paradigm for other people and you can have a listening for yourself, right. So let's, how are you listening yourself in this conversation?
Polly Mertens:You know, like, where's the equality? Like you said this oh, they're going to do this. Well, like, like they're whole and complete. I'm whole and complete. We're just having a communication, okay, so I have moved now to make the audio just a little more smooth, because I am in a public place. So let's continue though, shall we? Yeah?
Samantha Pruitt:it happens when you're doing road tripping. This is sometimes how it is. Um, we're full of adaptations anyway. So back to conversations, back to languaging and, most importantly, listening. So we're talking right now about listening specifically and how to come to a communication exchange with another human without bringing your backpack full of baggage and emotion and all these other preconceived stories, ideas, concepts, whatever about them and you into the dynamic so it can be clean.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, you know, and one of the things I would say, one of the practices we do in our program that I think is helpful and I don't know how people can get this in their own life, but it's just something to look at, is helpful and I don't know how people can get this in their own life, but it's just something to look at is clearing Right. So, like before you have a conversation or a call with your boss or whatever, just like like have someone you can talk to to just sort of let all that stuff out, so you don't sort of, like you said, bring it as a backpack to that next conversation. It's like, you know, you just speaking it out there, putting it on the table and going I want to let that go, like. Like like I've got all this that I'm walking into that meeting with, or that that phone call with, I'm just gonna let that go. That can help you just shed that listening to backpack that you're talking about. What about you?
Samantha Pruitt:Well, the funny thing about this, when you have that I keep thinking of like a work environment, um, you have your stories in your backpack full of drama back there and you're like waltzing into the meeting or whatever. You literally cannot hear anything because the voices in your head are so freaking loud You're not even hearing it anymore. So I think that's a way to like catch yourself too. Is, if you're in that environment with a loved one, with the co-worker could be the clerk at the freaking grocery store or the barista or whatever right you're making up so much bs in your own head. You're actually not even in the conversation, you're not even in the moment. You're actually not even in the conversation. You're not even in the moment. You're literally kind of almost removed from it, and so you detach.
Samantha Pruitt:That's another mechanism for survival, I'm sure, and you know, to get through the moment or the tense. But that's a way to sort of recognize hey, the voices in my head have taken over this whole thing. Maybe this is not the right time for me to go talk with this person. I need to reset here and clear, or if I'm in it and I can't leave it, then you're going to have to do something else, some kind of way of like calming yourself, whether it's breathing or just grounding yourself back into the reality of oh, I'm just here to talk to Polly about this work assignment. That's it. Let me open up my ears again and be present.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, you know, I love what you just added to this because it's like taking responsibility for what's in your listening and going like, oh, like going upstairs and going oh, I got all this chatter going on, I've got, you know. Or going downstairs and feeling all the emotions that are stirred up because of what you're chattering about. Right, because this is all the emotional basis of how you're feeling is all disjointed resistance or whatever, because you're thinking yucky thoughts, you know, or you brought the baggage with you, right, so doing your own clearing. You're absolutely right know.
Samantha Pruitt:You know, what I see so much is that people resist having conversations because they have made up so many stories in their head about what's going to happen, what's going to be said, that they're not going to know how to respond. And they literally have worked the whole thing out as if they are literally creating a movie. You know, cause that phone call could literally be a two minute phone call to book an appointment or make something happen, or it could be an hour long combo with the boss or a loved one or something They've. They've scripted the whole thing, they they must be magic, by the way they must know exactly what's going to happen and be able to future tell the entire thing. And it's almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Samantha Pruitt:Oh no, it is they show up with the baggage and the energy and all the drama, right, and then they create it. Even if it's not the conversation isn't going that way they create it.
Polly Mertens:Well, and you can do the opposite too. You can create I call them bookend. You can create a bookend of like this is going to go well, right. So all of this is, let's say, strategies or ways of being in conversation, being in communication, right. Do you have that? You listen people big and you listen to yourself small? Do you have that like things are going to go well or do you have like this is going to be a battle to the end?
Polly Mertens:It's like check out, like put out in front of you what's in my listen, what, where am I coming from? Right? And thirdly, like your own energy state, like who am I being walking into that? Because we said 90 plus percent of communication is energetic, right? So it's like, oh yeah, I'm gonna speak this way, but I'm gonna feel this, you know, feel another way that that ain't, you know, talking out of one side of your mouth and whatever. So it's like get congruent and come to the conversation, the, the talk, the way that you want things to go, like with empathy, with open heart, open-mindedness, whatever. You know, like I cherish what you have to say, like I'm I'm actually listening to you instead of I just want to get this point across.
Samantha Pruitt:So and I even take it further with myself or with people and I will say write it down, because I'm the writing down queen here. I want to, I'm going to call mom I haven't talked to mom in a long time and I want to make sure I talk about these three things. They could be important things that we need to talk about and resolve, but I will craft it in a way that it's appropriate and loving and compassionate. Or it could just be oh my God, you know, the last time I talked to mom she told me she was getting her the house painted. I should ask about that. Oh, and I should ask about her knee. Her knee's been hurting. I want to make sure we're talking about that.
Samantha Pruitt:And then I you know what. I was wondering how cousin Fred's doing in Alabama. I should talk about that. So you actually are like coming prepared to have a quality conversation, not winging it. Yeah, the winging it is the craziness in your head and that shit's going to take over. You people need to be a little more prepared for these human interactions.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, for sure, for sure, yeah.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, taking responsibility too.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, for sure, for sure, yeah, yeah. Taking responsibility too.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, for sure, okay, so that's listening. Come open, be curious, right, take responsibility. What about the talking part? How do I not just blurt out all the weird shit that I'm thinking right now? La, la, la, la, la la la.
Polly Mertens:Hey, in certain company, totally welcome, right, and I would. I mean, like the truth is, why the hell not? Like that's the point we want to get to is like I just want to, I want to speak freely, right. Like that is having free self-expression, full self-expression. What we're all here for, I would say everything else is withhold, something Like oh, I can't say that in this circle, I can't say that out here. Or what will they think if I say this right, all that defending and protecting that we're doing. Right, trying to control our environment, but pure self-expression is like. I just want to say this Like when I talk to people who've done this work that I'm in with landmark, their level of just like no nonsense, here it is, it's like damn refreshing.
Polly Mertens:I just say it and you're like wow, you just said that. You're like sweet, you know. And it's like, yeah, and I expect they you know they're listening of me is like yeah, and I expect you to just take that as communication, not a threat, not, you know, something's wrong, whatever. It's like yeah, that's just communication. Oh, damn good, okay.
Samantha Pruitt:Well. So I'm going to push back on that a little bit because that sounds far too evolved. Because most people are in a communication chain here with you know, whatever there's relationship in some capacity. It's very rare that you're talking to a stranger. I mean, I talk to strangers all the time, but most people don't talk to strangers. Okay. So there's some emotional charge. So if I just come a waltzy on in with my liberated self and be like dang, whatever, and I'm dropping my truth bombs, the other person's over there, like you know, step walking backwards trying to get out the door as soon as possible, or there's an explosion or some kind of turmoil because of their response to my liberated truth.
Polly Mertens:Well, and what's what's in their listening, right? So one of the things I want to say to that is like, agreements, right. So like we create these unspoken rules and agreements, like we are literally like this is something else in the course they teach us is we're walking around with unspoken rules of communicating with us that we don't tell people about, like, and we often don't even know what those rules are. You know, like, don't, don't yell at me in my own house, or something like that. Like that's what I'm just saying, like as an example, right, or um, no, that's good, that's good.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, like don't, don't text me this way, like I, you know, people sometimes tell you like don't text me this, you can only text me this, I don't like audio texts. Or don't text me after eight. You about, you know like you do that you do them and you don't know that you've done them. They're just like oh well, you know, yeah.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, well, ok, just having awareness, for that is a big thing. I don't tolerate yelling in my house from anybody. So, there are some things I have rules.
Samantha Pruitt:Hell yeah, I got rules, no-transcript, to sort of work through that and express that. But I thought, wow, there's a really powerful example of because of who she is in the world and her values and her belief system and just all of that beautiful uniqueness about her. You know, there was this whether I don't think this person did it with intention I'm not saying they're the best human in the world and they, you know, did it kindly, they just were kind of oblivious is what I think, based on how I heard that thing went down. But it's really unfortunate because I think those kind of things happen all the time, every day, and everything is to our own interpretation as well. So we have these rules, but then we also have these interpretations of what may or may not be happening, what may or may not have been said. So at some point we all have to build this muscle you're talking about as well, around being able to say God, Paul, you texted me that thing the other day and it really kind of threw me off. It made me.
Samantha Pruitt:I didn't feel good about that. Can I talk to you about that? Can we discuss it? What was your intent? What did you mean? Can you clarify for me what you meant?
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, and I think most times it's going to be nothing at all.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and sometimes, like we talk about those unspoken rules, like you just bumped up against one and you didn't, you didn't know it, like your communication was going, like you thought it was fine, bumped up against an unspoken rule, and then it makes it wrong, right, like that person has like resistance against, like oh, why did you do that? You're like oh, I was just communicating, right. So one of the other covenants or philosophies in this work is everything can be worked out in communication. In communication you can work out anything. A as long as you're in communication, you're not withholding communication Like, oh, someday they'll hear from me, you know. Or the like you make wrong or whatever, right, um, but you have to be in communication.
Polly Mertens:So, like, put it out there, like, oh, my god, that thing that you said that, like you just dropped that, actually, that that sucked. Like I, I heard that. Like this, and I got all wound up over here because you said that. And they're like wow, okay, I was just saying that. And look how I took it right, because there's what's so, there's what's said, and then there's the interpretation or the meaning that our mind makes up quickly, right, like you know, it relays it, it filters it, it distorts it against all these things that we have going on from our past. That thing that god said means this to us and it's just natural, that's how we work, that's how it is. But recognizing in that moment, oh, I don't have to respond to that, that's just communication, that's just what was said and, at any given moment, millions of things are coming into our sensory systems, verbally, visual, right?
Samantha Pruitt:how many times you do this with your eyes too. You see a thing and you're totally sure you know exactly what's happening and you have literally no idea. Right? You just made up this whole thing, so we do it with words too, I'm sure all of the time totally, you know.
Polly Mertens:I mean, there's so much that our brain is filtering. You know, the subconscious, you know, has has an okay parameter, like what our comfort zone is right, like acceptable zone. I talk about these rules and stuff like that. There's all of this stuff going on in the brain. It's miraculous to me, one of the things I remember thinking as I started to learn about hypnotherapy and the way the brain works and like our brain is organized like.
Polly Mertens:Imagine you, um, so if I went out and so your brain, let's say, it's like a mega computer, right, and we put all these apps on it, we put all these programs on it and we, we store a bunch of stuff on it, we throw some pictures on it, whatever, and you create this like computer, this way of being computer in the world, and you go, oh, and do you want to like fall in love with this human being? Let's get a little different set of apps and programs and all these experiences and whatever it's like. How can they possibly, with such different experiences, find ways to navigate those conversations? Oh, this means that to me. Well, I thought it meant that, you know, and it's, it's dynamic, right, but it can get worked out in communication, as long as both people come and like speak their. One of my favorite phrases that I've learned over the years is I speak my truth with compassion, I don't just so like. One of the first ones I learned was I speak my truth, boom, boom, boom. Right, that was we talk about this, rules, right?
Samantha Pruitt:yeah, I'm like okay.
Polly Mertens:I, I bring about, I put it inside of, I want this to go well, like I want this to go well, like I want this to land with the person. I don't try and like you know, I'm always like softening it or I can't share it with them, but I'm trying to convey it in a way that, like my listening of them is I want us to stay like. The one of the foundational cores of landmark work is love and affinity is present, right. Love and or affinity. So that's a healthy relationship. Whether it be a one time exchange at a gas stop or somebody you really care about or your family, love and affinity is present at the core. And then you build up from that right. So all communication, if it gets, if it disrupts this love and affinity, it can get worked out right. As long as you both are coming from the basis. Love and affinity is to be present, right. You want to preserve that.
Samantha Pruitt:Well, let's give an example of. Let's say there's a conflict situation and you want to restore communication. In that dynamic, what would be some tips for the listener?
Polly Mertens:Well, first, is taking 100 percent responsibility for your communication. Right, like, like, like. Oftentimes we have listening going on for that other person or ourselves and we don't tell that person. You know. It's like oh, I've been, you know, so, like.
Polly Mertens:One of the examples ways you could say is like they have a script and one of the script is like although it may appear otherwise, what I've actually been up to in my communication with you is this right, so it may look like I'm being friendly and personable, but what I'm actually doing is trying to get one over on you, or I'm actually trying to get you to do this thing for me, right? Or like I want you to take out the trash, I want you to be more, listen to me better, or whatever, right? So it's like hey, let me tell you what game I've been playing kind of behind the scenes over here, let me show you my cards. And it's amazing, when you be that vulnerable, like, it gives that person permission to be vulnerable and authentic as well, and they go oh, I see, you know. And oftentimes you're like telling on yourself, you're like, you're like, you know what I just gotta tell you see right, let me tell you what's been going on, because I wanted and like.
Polly Mertens:So there's a couple steps to this. One is let me tell on myself, like oh, I've been, I've been playing this game over here, like trying to do it this way, defending myself or whatever, how that leaves me feel number step. Number two is like I feel alone and isolated. I feel like adversarial with you, whatever, right and it's like, and what I really want is what I really want is for us's like and what I really want is what I really want is for us to like feel more connected. I really want to get to know you more. I really want to feel like I can trust you and share with you, but I've been withholding a lot of stuff or protecting or something.
Samantha Pruitt:So what I see a lot of is either over-communicating and I have a theory about that or under-communicating. So the over-communicating will be examples of people where they're talking a lot and sort of rambling.
Polly Mertens:We had that last week Over-explaining.
Samantha Pruitt:I've been having a lot of those people and they're just incessantly talking, almost not even breathing, and it's like, of course, after a while of that it doesn't make any sense at all. Maybe when they first start talking, you're kind of tracking and then it just goes into cyberspace and so bringing about awareness to them is okay, let's stop and take a breath. I see you're getting kind of worked up and I really want to understand what you're saying. I'm sure you have something important to share with me, so let's bring it back into a conversation that we can both be part of that's otherwise it's like a runaway train.
Samantha Pruitt:Literally it's a runaway train. Once it leaves the building, it's just gone. And, by way, me, as the listener in that case is literally I've just checked out. I don't know what they're talking about anymore. I've left the building, I'm not even in, and whatever they were trying to attempt to do and I believe part of it is they're trying to be seen, heard, respected, understood, all those things, whatever they were trying to have happen there impossible, because it's just that extreme. You know what I'm talking about that well, I think, what happens there too.
Polly Mertens:So one of the things that we get trained on is, like being in the conversation, like out there, with the person. What I'm hearing and that and this may not be true is I don't know is they're inside their head. They're just like just either stream of thought or whatever. You know like, I got to make this, whatever, like. And then there's the other, like throw their words. You know like. I call it like throwing your word, like hey, I'm listening to you, you don't have to throw your words at me. You know like, you can just say them, I. You know like. You can just say them. I can hear them, you know like, but I get you. So I think if that person were out in the conversation with you, they would pick up that like you're checked out, like they wouldn't just keep buzzing, they'd be like oh, am I losing you, or did I lose you somewhere in that? Or you know, or did you.
Samantha Pruitt:Because conversations are supposed to be two way and they're out here. Even multi. But yeah, they're out there, they're not in here. And then the other is the example of the person and we all know this person too who says nothing right. Literally, they walk around the house, they walk around the office, they even show up to a meeting or to a very tight you know group thing where, and they're over there, like and you're like what the hell's?
Polly Mertens:going on with Sally? Is she going to actually?
Samantha Pruitt:participate in this at all? Does she have zero interest? What is going on? So in that scenario, I mean I have my theories about all these things, right, but I'm not in this educational thing they are. So I want to hear what your thoughts are. But again, I do envision that Sally, for example, is over there in her own head and she has either left the building and is thinking completely different things or she's made up so many stories about this communication, this exchange and why this is happening and that's being said and whatever. So there's this defensiveness or whatever uncomfortableness with that and just can't see herself participating, doesn't know how to participate, doesn't know how to be part of the conversation and is just made up stories about either all the people there or about herself 100, exactly, exactly you know her listening of herself is like I can't express, I have nothing to contribute.
Polly Mertens:You know, there, this will be stupid, or you know, I don't want to look stupid or look bad, or you know, whatever get rejected, all sorts of stuff goes on, right, and yeah, yeah, and so you know that's about creating a safe space. You know I mean for that person. They need to grow up their their. You know their esteem, you know how they see themselves and stuff, because they're listing themselves small. You know they're thinking that they're gonna mess. You know, number one, you know this whole need for the human being to have belonging, right, so if I say something and then I'll get rejected or they'll think I'm stupid or whatever, it's like boof, we're ousted into the prairie, you know, and like we'll die out there, right, that's what happens in the mind and it's like man, no, just speak your truth, right, with compassion, speak your truth. So, yeah, there's all of those things that you just mentioned are likely going on.
Samantha Pruitt:So, for all of us listening and partaking in conversations which is all of us, by the way we need to have awareness about all of these things and an understanding and compassion for the human on the other side, and also for ourselves. Right. Right, it's sometimes we're the one in the challenge dynamic, sometimes it's the other party, depending if we're talking or listening, or sometimes both. You know, and then real conflict happens.
Polly Mertens:And it's practicing right. So I'm in this year long program because this is like a practice. You know, I was like as we were talking about this, I was like you know, people, we don't study this right. So, like I went to MBA school. You know it's a two year study. This program is actually two years. If you take it, you can do one or two and it's like I did that to learn skills of business you know reading, you know cashflow statements and understanding, you know making trades in business and stuff like that, or leadership or whatever. The same with these communication skills is it's about taking it on right.
Polly Mertens:Like what is an area of communication? That in that already always listening parent, like I say this to some people, you know a, if I have a conversation with someone and I might notice them in that listening right, like I was coaching one of the my clients team members and I was like, yeah, you know, just want to share with you like an observation. So there's listening to fix. And she's like, oh my God, I do that with my kids all the time. Like you know, my parents or her kids are like, can you just listen to me and just listen to me, not, you know, to fix it in order to problem solve it. But she's just got herself in this mode, you know, like people come to her with or that's her listening of people. It's like, oh, you got something, let me, let me let mommy solve it, let mommy solve it. And so just like listening her kids for the joy that they are.
Polly Mertens:Like, what are you up to and how's your? You know who are you and whatnot. Like are you? Are you screwing up? Did you get good grades?
Samantha Pruitt:me look bad. You know all this fixing and contorting, fixing and contorting, right exactly, or that parent fixing thing. That's hard not to do because you know they're your responsibility from the minute they leave the womb. And then you have, and there there's no communication. And then they start communicating and then it gets really messy, because now they can talk back and your and your job is to make them ready for, you know, adulthood.
Polly Mertens:And so I gotta fix you and get you. You know, get you ready, get you ready. You know sort of listening to them like you're an amazing human being. You're gonna figure this out. You know, you're gonna screw up some things and I trust you to. You know, I'm here if you want to talk some things out or whatever.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, when they're going to be suffering and you have to listen to their suffering and you have to see their suffering and there are, technically, you think, an extension of you. So there, yeah, if you're suffering, I'm suffering, oh my God. That happens in all environments too, even in work environments, interestingly enough, like in teams, you know, where there's a team of people and you're like bonded to this team, especially if you're a high performance team. And like if one or two of the people on the team are not doing well for whatever reason personal or work or otherwise, or whatever, you know you have this. Everyone's like I'm going to, we got to solve to this. You know, again, sally, I would would say sally, sally, you know she's got this. We're all gonna help, we're gonna rally and fix this.
Polly Mertens:You know, it's a very human trait and and just noticing when our speaking creates our world. You know like we can create sally bigger. You know, like I find that one of the things that, before I got into this work with landmark, I used to a long time ago share with my eating disorder coaching client mothers. So the mothers who would bring their clients to me, or you know, had issues with their daughters eating disorders. I was like so your number one thing I want you focusing on is I want you to see your daughter as well. To see your daughter as well, like that's, that's how you like I didn't, strong, resilient capable intelligent, all of the things Beyond all this, like this is past her.
Polly Mertens:You know you can't be down in, you know you can't get sick enough to help sick people get well. It's like no, you, you speak her. You know whole and complete and well and you know whatever, right, don't well my daughter's, whatever it's like. You can tell me the first story, but then I don't want to hear it after that Right, because we keep diminishing our listening of that person and we can do that for ourselves or other people.
Samantha Pruitt:So we keep writing the story, Like we know the ending, over and, over and over again. A you know, we're going to bring some of this into reality because we're going to start attracting and doing and saying things to continue to oh well, there's a story here. Are we all on board with the story?
Polly Mertens:That this isn't going to work. And that's saying that our past just, and we just lunge to our past and we throw it into our future. We're like, yeah, we'll have some more of this, please, more of this, please. And it's like, leave the past in the past and like, from nothing, you have the power to create. Okay, what do you want to create? You know your daughter as what do you want to create? Your life as what do you want to create yourself as what do you?
Samantha Pruitt:what do you, or this relationship, if it's communication, what kind of relationship do I want to have with my boss, or with my spouse, or with my mother? What do I want to create today? Not yesterday, not last year, not when I was 12, not when I whatever, you know what I mean. Like, what do I want to create today?
Polly Mertens:Yeah, and I think if people can walk away with that one little thing, because that applies how you so you know, know some of the pillars. I was thinking of communication right of conversation, speaking and listening. One is you know it's a self-expression right, it's us in the world, with anyone. You know like, do you have a successful negotiation in front of the judge? Do you have a? You know you're trying to get a new library card. You know like it's, those little interactions. Are you self-expressed?
Polly Mertens:You have your power, your power to create your power with your words. And then it's in communities and the impact we want to have. Right, like what are we expressing and are we practicing these communication skills to speak? You know what we want into the world, in a, in a bigger audience, you might say you with your writing or your speaking. And then it's like in teams and teamwork or family, right like intimate relationships. It's like do you have your power in these realms? You have your power anywhere in the world. Just who you are in the world is like you're a powerful speaker, communicator. Words can't hurt you. You know kind of thing do you have it in your community? Do you have it in? You know the impact that you're trying to make in the world and in your teams, your business, your, your family, your intimate relationships. Are you expressed, are you practicing those? And you can see it a lot when, like, one of the first things that we do in these courses is they make you make a list and it sounds like this.
Polly Mertens:So I talked about love and affinity is the basis. I just just love that. Like I, I'm like man. That's just like my bumper sticker for life now. It's like love and affinity, right? So where did you have love and affinity present in a relationship? And it's not present now and likely that person probably isn't present in your life, right? So you have you make this list, right? And some people have short lists and people have really long lists, right?
Polly Mertens:I would say that the amount of people you have on that list is an indication of how expressed you are in the world or not. Like how you're doing in communication, like if you've cut people off and written people off in your life and like sayonara or your world just gets smaller, right? Like who you're willing to talk, to, speak, to, tolerate all this stuff. That, right, like who you're willing to talk, to speak, to tolerate all this stuff. That's just that shows, like, the level of communication expression you are in the world. Like my list right now.
Polly Mertens:Like one of our, our questions every week is who did you restore love and affinity with? I don't, I answer no one every week because I don't have anyone on my list anymore, like Like, I have clean, cleared them, I have cleared them. Or there are two examples of people where I have been in communication multiple times to have those conversations and they resist and I'm like, well, they're not on my list because I have love and affinity, like it's present for me. I'm like I want to clear that with you and it doesn't mean you have to like welcome them back in your life, especially people who weren't so good to you, and it doesn't mean you have to like welcome them back in your life, especially people who weren't so good to you. You know it's like it's not like oh, like re-embrace them and let's just start over. I'm just like, okay, get that cleared up in your life and your energy Like like clear yourself for it. You know some people writing letters to dead people who've passed. Maybe that's how you do it.
Samantha Pruitt:That's what I was going to mention letter writing before we wrap up here, because I have homework for people. But one of the ways that I am working on this area of my life is through writing and the written word, so A letters to myself. So I did actually start the Elizabeth Gilbert love letters basically. So I've done this in the past, not as like formalized or how she's got it going on and if you're just put in Elizabeth Gilbert love letters and you'll see what's going on there, but, um, it's like a powerful movement of people writing a daily love letter to themselves.
Polly Mertens:So good, I love her.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, she's amazing, but the concept anybody can do and it take on whatever forms. I'm not doing exactly how she has scripted, but for me it's an expression of, rather than like a journal and writing what happened to me today and I'm bitching and moaning and whatever. I don't need any of that stuff in my life. What I need is communication with myself and more clarity with myself. So it is a letter to myself about You're fucking amazing today. I love you because you did this and that and that and this is I'm just pouring you with love and sometimes I write like two sentences and other times it's two pages. It's amazing.
Samantha Pruitt:And then the flip side of that coin is I actually decided a secondary project for myself again as a writing person is I started writing letters to other people. Now, again, I believe in love letters. Even when I had my past company and I would write a letter to a very large audience of people who were customers and contacts, I was writing a love letter to that community. That's just how I like to express in the world. So this love letter concept I think is very powerful for people and it can be incredibly healing and impactful. So this other element to what I'm doing is that love letter is a letter to someone else. So it's random. I don't every week, it's just a different thing. I just feel like I need to write a love letter to that person.
Samantha Pruitt:Part of it is me just fully expressing a deeper sense of connection to them and my ideas about our relationship or them or whatever. But it's all loving and positive. So it's not like I'm trying to make amends or anything. No, I just I'm telling you you're fucking awesome, let me tell you again, let me tell you in a different way, or whatever the thing is. So again, it's me communicating outward and fully expressing my internal love for myself and for others in my life and ultimately for the world and ultimately for humanity, right? But our listener can take that on in any way, shape or form they want. It can be letters of releasing, like you were talking about earlier. It can be any type of communication except for texting, okay.
Polly Mertens:So textings, that's not communication yeah, by the way, that's not. Yeah, that's a whole other thing.
Samantha Pruitt:It's not communicating, so that nope they need to just stop if you're trying to communicate in a text to anyone about anything of importance. Besides, I'll see you at the coffee shop in 10 minutes, or did you pick up the laundry? Okay, anything of like relationship importance. We just forbid texting.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, for sure, for sure. Yeah, upset hurt. You know, all of that stuff Got to get on the phone. Pick up the phone, yeah.
Samantha Pruitt:It's becoming a lost art, this thing called communication that we're talking about today. It's becoming a lost art, we're bringing it back. We're bringing it back. Yes, exactly, I think we're going to teach a whole class on this at some point. Oh yeah, I just got that yeah. I'm going to do the love letter piece and you'll do your piece, but but that's, I think that's happening. I just got I got a message from the universe right now. I just got a DM.
Polly Mertens:That's happening, they just text me that's happening, sam, and I want to say I think Elizabeth Gilbert's thing is called Letters from Love, and I have it that one of the things that you're doing, you know, like this is I see us as vessels for love, right? You know, like this is I see us as vessels for love, right? And so, people, I think we sometimes get misguided in the way that love appears for us in the world. It's like something to get or something to like. I want that person's love. I think we're here to flow love Like they are an object of love, and I think that's that's that's allowing us to be what we're here for. We're here to be vessels of love. So you just have objects of love that you want to love on you know and receive yeah, Cause I'm giving it to myself.
Samantha Pruitt:And even if I get zero response from those people, cause I have zero expectations for response, it's not a thing at all Like even if I didn't mail the letters.
Polly Mertens:It's totally fine, you know, it's, it's, it's, not a thing at all like even if I didn't mail the letters, it's totally fine you know it's, it's your love flowing, exactly.
Samantha Pruitt:It's opening up that place in myself to express and then to receive, because I'm putting it out into the universe, basically. So, oh my god, we're up to some fun things. You and I look at us take it, I dig it.
Polly Mertens:yes, yes and uh. You know, when this goes live, we'll be wrapping up the come alive program. It's been a great, great series. We did a wonderful visioning and hypnosis last night. I took them on some guided journeys. It was super fun, super fun.
Polly Mertens:Some of it never had hypnosis before, so that was great and I think I'm going to incorporate program, so stay tuned for more on that we're picking up some more projects and more going live, but um, it's good, it's good and I think I'll be back in california within about a week, so we'll be having our episodes back in my home state.
Samantha Pruitt:So okay, don't rush, you're having a good time. Stay out as long as you want. You can go play as long as you want.
Polly Mertens:You can go play as long as you want, totally, totally. Oh, it's good connecting. So what's our one thing? Do we have a one thing from this? What would be for you?
Samantha Pruitt:My one thing definitely is kind of where I was closing at the end. There is like you need to express, and communication is a form of expression. So the restrictedness or the holding back.
Samantha Pruitt:If you're having a hard time communicating with others, I want you to start communicating with yourself first, and that will sort of build a little bit of a muscle there. So then you can slowly start putting out into space, either through your mouth or in a written form, communication with others. But if you're really feeling just choked up, restricted, restrained, you got to start with yourself, got to start at home.
Polly Mertens:Love it. Wow, that's so good, I would say. For me, one of my practices is notice what's in your listening. Notice what story backpack, like you said, you're carrying into the conversation. Notice it. And I find that I often don't notice it in advance. All how I notice it is a little too late. But I'll just give you an example.
Polly Mertens:This is where I'm working new muscles is I'll have a jerky response, like like, something is not jerky. I mean like, um, like a bump there's, there's some resistance. I'll feel it in my body and I go what's in my listening? That's how I notice it. I take responsibility for immediately. If, like, I start to tense up, or if I notice like things aren't, I'm like, oh, what's in my listening? So that's how you know. It's a little late, it's not coming to it from nothing, but I notice it. At least at that point I go, oh, and then I, then I'm listening for myself. I'm like are these words coming out of my mouth justifying, protecting, fixing? Okay, what the hell are you doing here? You know, like I, like I can catch it there. It's, again, a little bit further down the roadmap than I'd like, but that's a practice, right, that's that's how we go so notice what's in your listening and then drop it. Let it go Like, okay, get in the conversation, be with the person I have one more piece of homework.
Samantha Pruitt:What is it? I just think it's so incredibly valuable, before you go into any communication, to get clear what you want to talk about in the communication and don't just let shit unravel. Yeah, okay. So, like an instance that came up when you were just talking there, I immediately got a vision of, like I've been in communications where I want to go, I have an agenda, I have an agenda. It could be something very simple, like I want to feel connected to this person, I want to share my experience about XYZ, I want to whatever. I have an agenda right. So then I go into that communication but I don't clarify that and I don't communicate that. Or just like the example I said about calling your mother. You know like, go into the call, the communication. I really want to talk about these three things because there should be intention in communication too. I do feel like every human is worth our time, our effort, our energy, and clear intention allows the pathway for that nice, nice, I'll have an intention for your conversation, your communications, yeah, yeah, and.
Polly Mertens:And like you can stray if it's like casual conversations, but like talk about those things. Like you said, don't just like slough and talk about nothing and then nothing. You know like that's just like eating empty food, it's like, oh god, you know like yeah you consumed or you leave the conversation.
Samantha Pruitt:You're like can you believe she never asked me about my haircut? Can you believe? Yeah, it's again, it's stories, right? Yeah? But, if I want to tell you I got a haircut, I should show up and be like hey, what do you think of this haircut? You know what I'm saying? Like taking responsibility, but like I'm like I want to talk about my hair, what do you think?
Polly Mertens:Exactly, I'm excited.
Samantha Pruitt:Yeah, yeah.
Polly Mertens:Yeah, so good, all right. What do we want to remind our beautiful humans today? What do we want to tell them?
Samantha Pruitt:Oh my goodness, If they don't know by now that their life how it looks is not as important as how it feels.
Polly Mertens:And every day is your opportunity to find your awesomes.
